Over the forth of July weekend I allowed Joshua to have the least structured environment he had ever experienced in our home. Naps were short or nonexistent. Bedtime was late! During the day, he played and played and played!
He was allowed to ride in "Tommy's tiny boat" and Ashlee's pontoon without mommy! That was huge. I had never let him be that far out of my sight with anyone but Krissy and Daddy. While I was 95% sure it would be fine, I still had a moment of doubt as I saw him float off on his own. Would he be OK or "off" when he returned?
To my joy and delight, he was perfectly perfect in his interactions with me all weekend. He played hard with his friends and favorite adults - but NEVER rejected me. He was proud to include me in the fun around him. When he wanted time and attention from his other favorite adults, he could still be connected to me. If I stepped in to play, I was included. If I stepped in to redirect, I was respected. I can not tell you how many times throughout the weekend I stood back and quietly thanked God for the healing that has taken place in our family.
Last year on the fourth of July weekend, we camped by ourselves with our very fragile son. He was totally unpredictable. One minute he would be "fine," the next minute he would be tantrumming and we could not always understand what happened in between. In reality he was confused, scared, and grieving.
My most powerful memory of that weekend was Gebeyehu playing "bye-bye Mitin and bye-bye Abebe" over and over and over. He would pretend that Abebe and Mitin (his favorite people in Ethiopia) were in a very specific toy yellow Hummer. He would wave to them and make sure we all said "Ciao! Mitin! Cioa Abebe!" as he "drove" them away. This game took place many, many, many times throughout the weekend. As he played, he tried to make sense of all the changes that had happened in his life. As he played, he said good-bye. By then end of the week following July 4, 2010 - he no longer called himself Gebeyehu. He emerged as Joshua.
And slowly, ever so slowly, over the last 12 months, he has been able to integrate his past, present, and future. He has healed in so many ways. He has become secure, confident, and strong. He has become Joshua Gebeyehu Chad!
When it was time to leave the lake this past July 4, Joshua had a tantrum the likes of which we have not seen in a loooooong time. It was intense! It was noisy! It totally caught me off guard!
When I told him it was time to leave the lake, he totally lost it! He screamed. He kicked. He thrashed. He fought me with all he had. It took both Chad and myself to get his wet swimming clothes off of him. Oh, he was so angry! After he was naked, I just held him for a time - hoping that being calm and still would help him settle down. After a few minutes his screams quieted some, so I decided to try and dress him. Not a good choice! He began screaming, kicking, and thrashing again. As I tried to get his flailing feet into his shorts he kicked me right in the face... hard! At that point I decided to just get him dressed and into the vehicle as quickly as possible. After a bit of a wrestling match, he was dressed. I carried him, crying, but no longer kicking to the SUV.
When I sat him in his car seat, the screaming began anew. I finally got him buckled and before I could get far he had forced his seatbelt away from his body, refusing to ride safely. I stopped the car and straightened the seatbelt. At that point he stopped thrashing and screaming. But he wept for about 5 miles. I would try to caress his leg or hold his hand and he would push me away. Ouch! Finally about the time we got to the highway, he fell asleep.
I stopped my SUV before pulling onto the highway so I could kiss his cheek. I was shaken. I was unsure how he would be when he woke up. In the past when he had tantrummed to that degree, it took a long time and a lot of work for he and I to recover. He would be grief stricken and distant for days.
I was frustrated with myself because the biggest reason he had so totally lost it was because he was totally exhausted. I had allowed him to skip a nap two days in a row, and he is a major napper. Add to that all the stimulation of playing with many, many people and he was just wiped out. He had been having fun, but it was just too much. What had I allowed?
The older kids were remembering how difficult things used to get at times too. They were offering to unload all the camping gear when we arrived at home on their own so I could just hold Joshua. They were planning ahead, remembering how to help momma and Joshua reconnect after a difficult time. (I am not sure I have ever given my kids enough credit for helping Joshua heal. They quickly saw his needs and have very selflessly arranged for mommy and Joshua to, when needed, have alone time together. They have totally "gotten" attachment. They have embraced secluded family times. They have helped me plan for large gatherings. They have even told me they will sit surrounding Joshua and myself to create a buffer from others in the days when interactions were so very hard, knowing what would help him without me asking. They have been totally, utterly amazing!)
When we got home, Joshua continued to sleep. In fact, he slept for about 4 hours!
But when he finally woke up, he was full of hugs and smiles. He snuggled into my lap for a while. Then he asked for supper. He went to bed just fine and slept all night. After his monster fit, he was totally completely "normal!"
I did not ever expect to be thrilled with a tantrum, especially one as intense as Joshua threw on July 4, but I am! I am thrilled that he threw the fit of the year and emerged unscathed. I am thrilled that after being given more freedom than ever, being totally off schedule, completely exhausted, and losing it - Joshua remained steady, secure, and attached. Instead of days of careful interactions, a simple nap was the cure!
Welcome home Joshua Gebeyehu Chad! I think/hope you finally know you are here to stay!
Thank you God for the incredible healing that has taken place in our son. Thank you that you did not create him with a spirit of fear, but with a spirit of sonship. Thank you that fear does not rule in Joshua's heart any longer. Thank you for the amazing blessing that Joshua is to our family and friends. As Chad says time and time again with tears near the surface, Joshua is absolutely the perfect child for our family. We just all fit together so well. You, oh God, are amazing.
