The first week at home was much the same. He fought everything about sleep from putting on his pajamas and pull-up, to telling his kids good night. One thing that helped was the rocking chair in his room. He liked and was comforted by rocking. When he finally fell asleep and I would lay him in his crib, he would cling to me. I would slowly peel myself away -first me cheek, then each hand.
Since his major naptime melt down the day we visit the doctor, he had become much more peaceful. It seemed the signal that it was time to sleep was putting on a pull-up. He began putting it on nicely. He would request to say "Mah tah Mah tah" to his siblings. He wanted to shut off the light in his room and close the door. Then he would climb into my lap, tuck his thumb into his mouth, and try to fall asleep. It was such a relief!
By the beginning of this week I was starting to look forward to tucking him in. I started making sure he was awake when I lay him in his crib. I would stay in his room or right outside of his door, but in sight while he dozed off. I felt like he was making amazing progress.
Until last night.
Last night bedtime started as the sweetest ever. He went through his typical routine. We snuggled up in the rocker and I said prayers with him. For the first time he chose to pray with me. When I got done thanking God for all his family, he started. It was so beautiful. "Thank you Krissy! Thank you Sierra! Thank you Jay! Thank you Brenna! Thank you Daddy! Thank you Gebeyehu Mama!" We rocked until he was very sleepy and I lay him in his bed. Same everything... I stayed close, reassurred him when he wanted me. He was doing the typical toss and sing and keep myself awake trick that all 2 yr. olds do. Finally after 2 hours, I had to go to the bathroom. I really did not think this would phase him. I had left earlier in the saga to take out my contacts and he did fine. But this time he totally lost it. BAD!
He screamed - not cried or fussed. I went to him immediately- but I had lost all credibility in his mind and heart. He yelled for KRISSY! He screamed and wailed and kicked and pushed me and his dad away. Finally we allowed Krissy to come up and to tell him "no! Krissy going mah tah mah tah!" His tantrum only continued... and continued... and continued. He finally was asleep at 11:30. (We started bedtime at 8:15) By the time all this was over, I was exhausted and a little shaken up.
One of the most difficult things about parenting Joshua G. right now is trying to figure out what is naughty and what is fear. Should I continue to rock a tantruming, irrational JG - or not? If it were another time of day, I would sit nearby watch him cry it out. Bedtime has always been hard so did my leaving so freak him out, or was he just overtired and wanting Krissy to save the day? We had gone for a walk earlier in the evening and saw lots of dogs. He is very afraid of dogs. Each time we would come near one he would suck his feet up close to his body and repeat my, "It's OK." to reassure himself. He never shows how deeply he is afraid or overstimulated until bedtime so maybe that all bothered hi more than I realized... but it started so well...
He woke up at 2 AM and for the first time ever (in the middle of the night), he pushed me away. He told me NO! he wanted Krissy. I picked up my squirming son and pointed to the dark basement, reminding him that Krissy was asleep. He wept quietly, instead of snuggling in happily as he fell asleep next to me in bed.
I woke up this morning so tired, with my back and heart aching. I feel this little boys fears and apprehension so acutely. I also feel his rejection. That is hard.
Krissy is doing nothing wrong. She does no "mommy jobs." In fact because JG sees her as something of a "nice mommy" we require him to ask momma if he can go downstairs, outside, or whatever with Krissy as a way for him to see that momma, not Krissy, is the one in charge. Krissy feels really bad when he cries for her, she wants to be his sister - not his momma.
In reality, I know he is not rejecting me... but the risk it will be to really truly trust me. He is going to have trust that I will always love him, I will always come back, I will keep him safe. He has made BIG strides and I think all the sudden that out-of-control insecurity crept back in and took over.
Will you please pray specifically for Joshua to be able to let go of fear. God does not want us, no matter how old or young, to be controlled by fear. There is a battle going on in his mind and heart and spirit. It is interesting that the first time he prays, he battles bedtime fear more intently than ever... or is it?
These are the scriptures I have been claiming for my son.
"Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave to fear, but you received a spirit of sonship." Romans 8:15
We all know that I will fail JG. I will let him down. I will never be all that he wants and needs. I will do my best, but I will make mistakes. But he still need not fear. The same God that created him, chose him for our family, and brought him from Africa to America, will continue to hold him and love him all the days of his life. Please pray that he will accept and feel that love - the only true, perfect, healing kind of love.
