I posted some on bonding and attachment before we left to bring Joshua home. Although I had read thousands of pages on the subject and questioned many people - both "experts" and experienced adoptive moms - I was not sure what this time would and should look like for our family. Being with my son for about 2 and a half weeks has helped to clarify that. While I have shared much about how wonderful he is doing, and HE IS! I also see more and more how truly wounded he is. So far he has never had anyone he could count long-term as a caregiver. He has experienced extreme hunger, loss of loved ones, institutionalized care, and finally a family. There is much hope at the end of his journey, but for now learning to depend on and trust Chad and I to meet his needs will be a challenge. I have adapted a letter (with permission) from another family that will hopefully explain what we and he need in this transition time.
Dear Family and Friends,
After 8 months of waiting, our precious Joshua Gebeyehu is finally home. We know that so many of you have in some way supported, loved, and prayed for us. Because we know you care for Joshua and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around him to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
In many ways, Gebeyehu will be like our other four children; we will parent him in much the same way. But there will be a few initial differences. Since before we even began the adoption process, we have researched bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an institutional setting.
We are confident that God has a perfect design in all of this. His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of his love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caregiver (usually mama) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for the parent. The baby is hungry, cries in distress, mama nurses and calms the baby. This chain of events teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies. This affects their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy for others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of biological parents, hunger, etc... is a major trauma to their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as Joshua Gebeyehu's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him with these emotional wounds. Now that he is home, he is overwhelmed at times. Everything around him is new and he is learning not just about his new environment and language, but also about love and family. He has not yet experienced God's design for a family. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe, and feed him. As this repeats between us, he will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Joshua starts to deeply establish this important bond with us, his parents, he will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.
Joshua will have, what may seem like a lot of structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on an immense amount of research and instruction from other trusted adoption mentors and experts. We will be and are doing what we believe is best to help him heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. If you would please choose to help us, you can play a vital role in helping our Gebeyehu settle in, heal, and lay down a foundation for his best future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically normal, physical contact with Joshua. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from an orphanage setting are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses, or high fives are perfectly welcome.
Another area is redirecting Joshua's desire to have his physical needs met by anyone other than mom or dad. Orphans often have many caregivers so they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming to adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside the family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us, we know it is not how we have responded to your children in the past. It is not what feels right or natural. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Gebeyehu hugged and cuddled and cherished by all of you. However, UNTIL he has a firm understanding of nuclear family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection, or comfort.
We are indescribabley blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn't ask for a better extended family and circle of friends for our precious son. Thank you for your love and support as we work together to help Joshua Gebeyehu grow and succeed.
One thing I would like to add is that I have no doubt that learning to trust will take great courage for our sweet son. He has suffered many losses and hardship in his short life. I see the struggle in him more each day as he wants to sink in and really trust us to care for him yet he resists ferociously. I would too if I were him. So far experience has taught him to keep everyone at arms-length, be cute, know who to go to for each need. While he longs deeply for a mama and daddy, he also does not know what that means. He will need time and experience to learn - sometimes in a very structured way - what those relationships are. Research says, and I believe, that he needs to have a firm grasp on his relationship with us before he branches out much. While I have no doubt that God is preparing his heart and connecting it with each member of our extended family, I plead with you to be understanding and patient as we work through some issues at home. I am in constant contact with our social worker and we are carefully following the advice we have been given. Thank you for the help you have been and will be.
**If this post causes anyone alarm that there are unusual issues going on while our son learns to attach, have no worry. His attachment is going very well. I just know that as we begin to branch out more in the next weeks, it will be very helpful if you better understand how you can help us. This procedure of reminding a newly adopted child to find mama, ask mama, and seek mama (or daddy) first is highly recommended by our social worker and many other adoption/attachment specialists for all adoptions.
