This is without a doubt Joshua's biggest accomplishment this month.
Over the course of this month Joshua has really began to let his emotional guard down. He has (almost) always wanted to be with me and held by me, but he refused a blanket - that was just too cozy. He would never suck his thumb until he was fast asleep. He would be upright and erect on my hip when meeting new people.
This month he has begun to trust me more. To relax his guard. To melt a little. He will allow himself to enjoy cuddling. He comes to me ALL the time with a request to mah tah mah tah with Momma. That means he wants to take a break from playing, cuddle up under my chin, suck his thumb a minute and just enjoy being adored.
He also chooses to cuddle in, close his eyes, and suck his thumb when feeling overwhelmed by strangers. Today we went in to the bank for the first time. We bank at a small bank and since they helped notarize so many forms along our adoption journey, the ladies at the bank were very excited to meet Joshua. When they all came out to peak, he cuddled in, closed his eyes, and sucked his thumb. One wise Grandma noticed right away and said, "OK ladies, we are stressing him out!"
It makes me so happy for him that he is learning to trust me to protect him. To totally let go in new and scary situations and know I will not leave him. To know that he can snuggle in and I will handle it. He can just be a baby and let me handle the grown up stuff. (He loves to say, "Joshua Momma's baby." as he snuggles in tight.)
I have thought many times these past 2 months about how hard we all work to be in control. To take care of ourselves. To have it all together. To show no fear. But when we are weak, He is strong. When we rest in His arms, we are safe. Watching Joshua learn to trust me has reminded me to trust in Him.
"My grace (God's) is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9
So I confess to you, these 2 months have been hard. 100 times harder than bringing home any of my newborns. I have had 1 to 2 children upset with me constantly. My house is not neat and tidy and I hate that. Someone is always talking, always needing something, there is not enough of me to go around. I have been trying to work from home and to be honest, I am not doing a very good job. I hate that. My husband has been patiently waiting to tell me what he did when we were in Ethiopia... for 2 months. OK exaggeration, but we do not get enough time to talk. Relationships with family and friends have been put on the back burner because I only have enough emotional energy to share with the kids and Chad. Keeping up this silly blog is the only way I communicate. By the end of the day I feel lucky if I have enough energy to sip on a glass of wine and stare at the TV for 30 minutes before falling asleep. I am doing my best and trying to let go of the rest. I am stressed, I am tired - but I have absolutely NO DOUBT that Joshua Gebeyehu Chad D. was chosen for this family. I am honored to be chosen to be his Momma. I am so thankful to have my Joshua home. And His grace is sufficient.
