- A newborn has no choice but to totally depend on and trust in his parents. He is totally helpless. There is nothing he can do on his own. In our case, I nursed all our newborns which immediately caused Momma to have a special role that no one else could fill. Joshua is capable of doing many things for himself. He has also experienced the loss his Ethiopian Momma and all familiar caregivers there after. Trust and dependence has to be nurtured very carefully.
- Newborns do not need discipline. They do not need to learn the rules right away. Joshua entered our home and had to learn the rules immediately. Trying to make him feel safe, accepted, and loved while learning the rules is challenging.
- Newborns do not get into their siblings things, pick on them, or talk back. Joshua has been really amazing about respecting each family member's "stuff." He does like to tattle sometimes. He likes to tell his siblings, "No! No!" They help too much sometimes. They try to tell him what to do. All normal stuff, but with a newborn you have a bit of a grace period.
- He has experienced loss and is dealing with grief and fear that our newborns never did. It is really, really hard to watch him react with deep, deep sadness and fear.
- Introductions to new people are more difficult. With a newborn if everyone at church or the bank or the office wanted to come over and peak, the babies slept through it. Joshua gets overwhelmed - especially when spoken to and expected to respond. Imagine trying to decide who is safe and understand a new language at the same time. I want to protect him from the stress, but also understand that people just want to welcome him. The balance is hard, be polite or nurture my son?
- He did not understand what a "momma" was. Family structure made no sense at first. We have chosen to put very specific boundaries in place to help him learn what a momma and daddy are. Until he is more securely attached to us, relationships with all other family and friends have to be distant. This is not natural or comfortable.
- I am not able to have a true maternity leave. Not Joshua's fault or any difference between newborn and toddler "births", but different experiences just the same. I did not work after the first 3 were born, for at leats 6 weeks. I did have to work some when Brenna was born, but our business and my job have grown a lot since then. Trying to work has been a bummer - however I am totally spoiled in that Joshua can come with me to the office and ANY meetings. We own the company and if people want to do business with us they have to put up with our terms. I am able to do most of my work from home. So it could be much worse!
OK, that probably makes you really leery to ever consider adoption, especially of an older child. Well let me also tell you the rewards are great. It is amazing to see his pride in learning. The speed with which he is learning is absolutely astonishing! It is so exciting to hear him say "I lub you! Momma!" It is wonderful to be hugged with all his strength. It is nice to skip diapers. He is funny, cute, sweet, and interactive. Do NOT shy away, just be prepared! Also know that no matter how prepared you are - it looks different in person. Having Joshua home has been better than I ever could have expected, but also much harder.
The other question I have been asked is how are the older kids doing?
- Krissy has been very patient and understanding. She has had to have a lot of boundaries as Joshua would have like to bond with her in a momma-like way. That had to be very difficult, but other than a few eye rolls, she has been so understanding. She is extremely nurturing and loving with little ones so it has been hard to treat him like a brother sometimes. (Like he would at first want her to rock and snuggle him for hours. Sounds harmless and sweet, but if his love tank was filled by big sis. momma was only a rule enforcer. He would be very unhappy to have me around.) As she tells me when I ask if something is "normal sister behavior"... but he's so cute! I could not be more proud of her and her understanding of Joshua's needs during this time.
- Jamison is so chill. He is unfailingly patient, but also has a man's ability to just tune his little bro out. He jumps up from his chair to kiss Joshua goodnight. He plays with him and notices when he learns something new. He has been rock solid.
- Sierra has probably struggled the most. She has been shocked at how annoying a 2 year old can be. She has a hard time with how much Joshua talks... and interrupts. She has missed going to the pool (doesn't work too well with nap). She also likes to argue with Joshua. He will say "yes" and she will respond "no" and they will keep at each other getting louder each round. She is trying to learn to ignore him when he starts these arguments, but is is so tempting because he is clearly wrong. However, she says many times, "Mom, how do you think we got so lucky? He is just perfect for our family. I am so glad he's here." So it is all pretty normal!
- Brenna has been amazing. She is so so so patient! She is helpful, but also lets Joshua explore and try things on his own. She plays with him but does not hover. She could not have handled being bumped as the baby any better.
So all in all the kids have transitioned from 4 to 5 amazingly well. Much of that is due to their daddy pouring out attention when I have been busy getting Joshua to bed. Chad has really invested in the older kids this summer. He has made a point to interact with them in the hours it takes to get Joshua to bed and that has made a huge difference.
