A few people have asked me what has been the hardest part of coming home. That is a difficult question. I think the root of all the hardest parts is that we do not know this child. We adore him. We love him. He is 100% our son and we long to know all of him, but that takes time. We are doing our best to make good decisions for him - but because we do not know all his past experiences it is really difficult to determine what responses are "typical 2-year-old rebellion" and which are based on fear and past trauma.
I have made a few miscalculations along the way. The first was not slowing down enough the first week home. We had spent a lot of time planning for Joshua's arrival. We had talked to the kids about what it would be like to have a 2-year-old around. We had all his stuff in place. We were ready! However, we forgot that Joshua was not as ready as we were. I can see now how overwhelmed he was. He was not crying all day and greeted all of us happily, but he was scared and confused inside. EVERYTHING here is different. Nothing smells, sounds, tastes, or looks the same. Our world is SO MUCH bigger than his was at the care center. We can see our neighbors backyards, people walking by on the sidewalk, we drive somewhere everyday. He was used to spending all day, every day inside the high walls of the care center. Although we had very few people in our house, all the coming and going was just too much. The older kids were going from activity to activity. I do not think Joshua was entirely sure who belonged here and who did not. Many times I had arranged rides for the kids to get to activities so he would not have to go out but I am not sure that was so good either - people kept coming and taking kids places... was someone going to come and take him too. By the end of the first week at home he was less secure than the first night.
As I began to realize this we really put the brakes on. After consulting with several attachment experts, we asked everyone to either stay away or keep a friendly distance. This was extremely difficult, by the way. It has been lonely at times and sometimes misunderstood. It is interesting how people understand that Chad and I need to parent Joshua differently at this point in his development, but when we ask them to also interact with him differently than they did the other kids it is not so OK. I am so grateful that more people have been understanding than not.
We began having a very nuclear family centered lifestyle. If the kids went somewhere I typically drove them and Joshua came with. That way he saw where they were going and that it was OK with momma. Momma usually picked them up as well. He began to feel the routine which made him feel safer. He began to realize who did belong in our home and "to him".
Another thing that took us by surprise is that he really considers Krissy and Jamison adults. Basically anyone that can carry him up and down the steps is a grown up in his mind. This has created a bonding hiccup I did not expect.
Chad and I have always tried to parent each of our children as individuals. They each have different strengths, interests, temperaments, etc... We try to honor that. They each also respond best to different types of discipline. We try to honor that. Joshua has taken that to a whole new level! There are many things that Joshua needs that go against the way I have parented my other kids as 2-year-olds. For example, bedtime. I rock him to sleep - the other kids would have been left to fuss if they were resisting sleep as 2-year-olds. He also is allowed to come to bed with us when he wakes in the middle of the night. Time out happens, but with momma close by instead of in his room alone. Chad and I would not consider leaving him with a babysitter, even his sister. When our other kids were 2 we had a weekly date night. Joshua and I did not attend a party for my mother-in-law's birthday because there would be many (18) dogs present and Joshua is just beginning to trust our dog. These adaptations are necessary, but they are challenging. They do not always fit with how I have seen myself as a parent in the past. They are not all in my comfort zone.
However because of all these measures, we are seeing Joshua grow in strength and confidence daily. He is blooming. Although it has been very hard to make some of these adjustments, Chad and I and even the big kids are totally confident they were exactly what Joshua needed.
A month ago Joshua could not even climb one rung on the ladder to get up to the slide in out play area. Yesterday he climbed the whole thing by himself. We were all so excited and he was so proud! He has gotten fast. A month ago I had to concentrate to walk slowly enough when holding his hand, not I tell him to slow down once in a while. He is almost running and trying hard to jump. He is amazing!
His speech is also off the charts. There are only a couple phrases he still uses in Amharic. He can point to almost all his body parts when I ask him to in English. He sings "The wheels on the Bus." My favorite thing he says is, "No thank you." There are many times he is asked to eat or do something he does not want to do and instead of saying yucky! or NO! he says, "Momma, no thank you." His language comprehension is even better than his speech. It is astonishing.
He has gotten very comfortable with our routine. Nap and bedtime is not nearly the struggle it once was. It is still really time consuming, but the fear is fading. He knows what comes next in the day and takes comfort in that. He will ask me after nap to go outside - because we always do. After supper and a little playing, he is ready and willing and sometimes even suggest a bath.
He knows who belongs in our house and keeps track of where each of his kids and daddy are at all times. This morning he told me many times "Krissy at school", "Daddy at work", "Jay mah tah mah tah (sleeping)", "Brenna bye bye (she is with Grammy)". (He did not forget Sierra and myself - we were with him!)
He is able to sit and enjoy the jogging stroller! Yeah!!! This means momma is working out a little once again. His attention span and my legs/lungs are up to about 3 to 3.5 miles a day. Afterwards we stop at a park and he has a workout of his own!
He is eating pretty well. If all else fails he will usually eat bread. He likes meat, chewy granola bars, cereal, goldfish, pancakes (no syrup), toast, milk, fries, mushrooms (go figure), m&m's, licorice. That is about it. No eggs, cheese, juice, fruit, or veggies. He is pretty good at taking his vitamins. Hopefully his pallet will continue to expand. New textures really gag him as does anything cold other than water.
He has also become so much more confident and secure. He laughs, plays, and teases in a natural way. I am starting to recognize when he is scared or stressed, thus I am better able to help him through scary situations.
There is still a long road in front of us. It will be a long time before he is ready for a babysitter or day care. Right now I can feel him pulling away and putting his guard up if he is allowed to play downstairs alone with his siblings for the morning. It is safer to not need me - but I am becoming more irresistible! And Joshua HATES it if I leave him. He can happily leave me, but if I leave him it is BAD! I think we have a little control issue going on there =) ! I am so very grateful that my job allows me so much flexibility. I know if I had to go to work in August, he would survive and secure bonding would eventually take place. However, being able to have him with me all the time will make this whole transition smoother, shorter, and happier for all of us.
I am in awe of all the growth I have witnessed in Joshua this month. It is so amazing to watch him begin to open up and bloom. I can not even imagine what the next month will bring. Thank you to all who have made this month simpler! Thank you for meeting us at the airport! Thank you for the prayers, phone calls, and meals. Thanks for stopping by to chat and sip wine after bedtime! We are so blessed.
