This is the week I head back to work.
For real.
In an office.
Without Joshua.
I am excited about the job. Actually jobs! I will be still be working for Chad some. However, the majority of my time will be spent at a new job. Before you are alarmed... NO! there is NOTHING wrong with our marriage or our business. Both are just fine. We have chosen to make some changes to my job for Chad's business which will lighten the amount of work he needs me to do there. I am good with that! I love working for and with Chad. I am competent in the tasks I do in his office; but although I am passionate about my boss, I am not passionate about the tasks I do. So I am very excited to do something more of my choosing.
While I am excited about the work I will be doing, I am struggling with leaving Joshua. A lot. Really, really a lot. Unfortunately, in order to raise all 5 of our children in the way we want to, I need to go back to work. I am tempted to pause here to explain exactly all the options we considered as we made this decision. I want to justify it to you, but if I am really, really honest all I want is for you to reassure me that I can still be a good momma AND send my child to day care. You see, while I do not judge other working momma's as less than or lacking in any way, I am certainly judging myself. Worrying. Second guessing.
So, pray for Joshua and I even more than usual this week.
Tomorrow we spend the day together, just us. No work. All play. Lots of parks. Lots of snuggles.
Tuesday, he will spend a few hours at day care. It is a home day care, which freaks me out. A center feels safer to me. More people coming and going. More accountability. But a center would feel like an orphanage to Joshua. It would not work. So my job on Tuesday is to give Joshua permission to begin bonding with a woman who is nearly a stranger to me... to us. I think she is delightful, sweet, calm, gentle. Yet there is still a part of me that is terrified! I am trusting her with my son. The very son that I have worked so hard at so many things with. The son who has become strong and confident and capable and so very attached to me. I know he is ready, as long as she is who I think she is... I have no reason to doubt her. It is just all so new to me. My brain swirls unhealthily on the "what ifs" instead of trusting.
Wednesday we will spend the day together again. Just us. Little work. Much play. Lots of snuggles. Birthday lunch with Daddy.
If Tuesday goes well, we will try day care again a few hours (like 10:30 to 2:30) Thursday and Friday.
Eventually, Joshua will spend every day at day care from 7:45 to 3:15. We will ease into that, adding slowly, as he and I are ready.
While I am tempted to dwell on the facts that are anxiety producing, that would be silly when there are so many more things to be thankful for! So I will end with thankful thoughts. I am thankful for 15 months at home. 15 months to not rush. 15 months to savor and enjoy my son. I am thankful for free busing that will bring Sierra and Brenna to school. I am thankful for the excitement of a new job and the flexibility of my old one. I am thankful to be allowed time to adjust to a new schedule. I am thankful for God's provision in my life, not just financial provision - but even more for His provision of grace, hope, joy, peace, friendships.
"Whatever you do,
whether in word or deed,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through Him."
Colossians 3:17
