The morning began horribly. I had to wake up Joshua early to get Sierra to band practice. He freaked out! I had to pry his fingers off his bed rail and carry him kicking and screaming out to the van. When we got to the van, he refused to stay buckled. I tried over and over again to reassure him that we were only going to drop off the girls at school and then going home - but he could not settle down. Finally, Sierra had to sit next to him and hold his arms to keep him in his seat. It was not pretty.
About half way to the elementary school he stopped struggling and started weeping. By the time we got home, we were both crying. I grabbed him out of his car seat and we just sat cuddled up in the van for a long time.
Eventually we went into the house and made some breakfast - ham and eggs, Joshua's favorite. We played a little and talked through the events that were going to happen today. After some food and cuddles, Joshua said he was ready to go.
We climbed into the van and Joshua buckled right in. When we arrived at Denise's house (aka day care), Daddy was there. Daddy went in with us to meet Denise. We all visited and played for a while. Then Daddy went to work.
I stayed for just a few minutes longer. Then I wrapped my Joshua in my arms and asked him, "How much does mommy love you?"
He whispered into my ear with a big grin, "Soooooo much!"
"Right!" I told him with a big squeeze.
I reminded him that I needed to go to work for a little while, but I would be back after lunch. I would pick him up and then we would go get the girls from school. After school, I promised to take he and his sisters to McDonald's. He nodded solemnly.
Before I could go on, I had to just breath for a long moment. Then I asked him, "Does mommy always come back?"
He shrugged and refused to look into my eyes.
I breathed deep breaths to regain my voice, tilted his chin so I could peer into his eyes, and when he finally looked into my eyes, I told him, "Mommy always comes back! Always!"
He snuggled deep, sighed, and nodded.
More breathing.
I gave him one last hug. He walked me to the door, but stayed nicely inside.
He waited for my beep, beep.
He looked tiny... and nervous... and pale. He waved, no smile, but no tears either.
I cried enough for both of us as I drove away.
I texted Denise an hour later and she said he was doing great. Talking. Warming up. Teasing her.
I returned 4 hours after leaving.
Joshua was happy to see me - relieved - but not desperate.
I am sure he was starving. He had refused to eat lunch because "Joshua only eats with mommy and daddy." Thankfully Denise did not push the issue. (I had warned her that he has a hard time eating in new situations.)
He snuggled in right under my chin and told me, "Joshua I want to hug you and hug you!"
Denise told him what a wonderful job he had done at her house. I reminded him that he would be with mommy all day tomorrow, but he would see Denise and the other kids on Thursday and Friday. He said a quiet, "OK"
Driving to get the girls, he told me bits and pieces about his day. Denise has a baby puppy and he loves her! The babies fascinated him.
We grabbed the girls and went to McDonald's where he ate every crumb of his kids meal!
This evening he was OK. Really tired since he did not nap, but OK! He played baby a lot, a sign that he needed to be held more, but he also played independently some. It was a really good mix of expressing that he needed extra mommy time and touch, yet not being excessively needy.
He also went to bed flawlessly, which tells me he's OK. Anxiety and over-stimulation always peaks at bedtime for my Joshua, if bedtime goes well after lots of change I know he is handling things just fine.
For a first day, it was perfect.
Thank you for praying for my son. Thank you for praying for me. Keep praying, please. This transition is far from over, but I am so very, very thankful that it started as smoothly as it did!
