Indulge me a minute while I whine about my week. This week:
- We found out the "buyers" of our home do not actually have financing. Which means they have no means to pay for said property. Since we are not able to give them our home, we begin showing it again tomorrow. While I am not stressed about our home selling (for the moment anyway), I am VERY stressed at the thought of keeping it in tip-top condition all the time AGAIN!
- Because of some changes that will be happening in the Bismarck Public School system, we have decided it will be best for Brenna to remain at her current elementary school next year. While Brenna is THRILLED, I am not. Keeping Brenna at her current school means I have to drive her to and from school each day (she currently rides the bus). Driving her to and from school adds another 45 minute task to each and every day of my life next school year. Right now 45 minutes daily feels like a lot. Sure, I should be happy that it is possible for me to drive her and keep her at her current school. It is most certainly in HER best interest, but what about MY best interests? (told you I am UGLY this week)
- I have been researching, praying over, and dreaming of a very significant (to me) mission project for the past 2 and a half years. This week the first concrete steps toward making that dream a reality occurred. However, I spent the week watching it unfold through facebook, instead of in person. My stepping back was THE BEST choice for the project. I was and am supportive of the decision. My heart, however, was not.
- I could go on and on and on... I am working more than I have ever worked in my life, but I would much rather be home full time. Every job I have is about serving everyone else. Everything I do needs to be repeated again and again and again - the laundry, grocery shopping, floor cleaning, bill paying, bulletin making, meal preparing, email sending... And NO ONE really cares about any of it, unless it is not done up to their standards. There is rarely a "thanks mom for my clean clothes." However I do hear "When will the laundry be done? I have nothing to wear!" (Obviously these statements are not truth, they are lies that I bought into this week.)
My life has seemed unfair, unimportant, and unnoticed. Try as I might to shift my focus and CHOOSE to see more clearly, I keep being sucked back into a negative swirl of thoughts.
Yesterday I realized that what I crave is a feeling of significance.
You see for the past 17 years, what formed my personal self-image or significance was the way I cared for my family. I took care of my kids, myself. And I LOVED it. I took care of our home and yard, myself. Our home was always dusted, the floors were always clean, the laundry was washed and folded, by me. When Chad arrived home each evening everything was caught up, dinner was in the oven, and I was ready to pay attention to my husband. I had time to exercise. I knew my children's teachers, and I volunteered in their classrooms. I did the ministry work of my choosing, when I chose, how I chose. Even in the years I did day care time full time, and in the years I worked 3/4 time in Chad's office, I was able to maintain my home and family in a way that was up to my personal standards.
This year all that has changed. I send my son to day care, which feels to me like a personal failure even though he is receiving incredible care. I do house work and laundry late into the night. Our floors are often in need of a good scrubbing. I have not volunteered in the school once. When Chad arrives home, I usually have several hours of tasks yet to complete before feeling ready to pay attention to him. My life revolves around ministry work, but I do not get to choose what I am involved in nearly as much. I am "failing" (by my standards) in all the areas that used to cause me to feel significant.
Last night I read these words:
"But sometimes it is down on your face in the mud in complete humility that you will find a sweet and tender truth. it's from this position that you can say, 'Jesus, I love You and want You more than anything else. I love You and want You more than the approval of my peers, family, and friends, and even the naysayers in my life. I love You and want You more than the comforts and trappings of this world. I love You and choose to believe Your truth over Satan's lies. I love You and choose to worship You and You alone. Jesus, I love You and want to come to You empty-handed and offer my life in complete surrender.'(from Lysa TerKeurst's book, What Happens When Women Say YES to God)
Perhaps I have worshiped the illusion of control/perfection in which I tried to live in during past many years?
If I truly believe (as I claim to believe) that serving God is more about being than doing, perhaps I need to somehow change my focus?
Reframing my identity is particularly difficult in this time of selling our home. My ability to keep our home clean, organized, and well decorated is "judged" each time our home is shown. I want to argue that it is vital that I maintain (control) the perfect image of our home in order to sell it, but in my heart I know God is able to sell any home - messy or clean.
So, I am working on reframing my significance. Asking myself ALL.THE.TIME if how I am "being" (reacting, speaking, thinking) is pleasing to God. Trusting that if how I am "being" is pleasing in His sight, I AM significant in His sight.
And really, that is all that matters.
