Before she even finished the story I was looking around the vehicle for something to mop up blood. I just knew Brenna was hurt and bleeding.
And she was. She fell off her scooter -without a helmet on- and face planted on the concrete. Her head and mouth were bleeding a lot. Her lip was swollen so much it stuck out as far as her nose. As I tried to clean off the blood she kept asking, "Mom, what happened?"
It slowly dawned on me that she truly did not know what had happened. We brought her to the ER where she began vomiting and we waited for a CT. We eventually learned that she had a concussion, but was going to be fine.
I have thought about that a lot these past weeks. I have marveled that I KNEW without a doubt that my daughter was hurt badly and bleeding before I had been told. Mom's just know stuff sometimes. I believe God gives us this special instinct.
Joshua has been on my hip for 3 mo. today. I think the greatest change that has happened this month is that I have started to truly trust the instincts God has given me as Joshua's mother.
This has been a journey for me. I have loved him with the deep, special, lay-down-my-life, don't-you-hurt-my baby kind of way that is reserved only for my kids since before I ever held him. That love has never swayed. I was as attached and madly in love with him from the moment he climbed into my sight as I have been with each of my belly babies since they were plopped on my chest after birth. I never questioned my love for him or my ability to love him.
But I did question my motherly instincts. These instincts are so very strong that at times it is like a physical assault. There have been times when I am nearly physically sick with the need to remove my boy from a seemingly normal interaction. These instincts are just SO different with Joshua that I sometimes have a hard time to listening to them. I have never been a very protective momma, but with Joshua I have been extremely protective. I am a very independent person and have encouraged independence in my kids. Not Joshua. I have sheltered him and nurtured him totally differently than I did the older kids at his age.
These instincts have been further confusing because they have been encouraged by some and disregarded by others. One person tells me "Alicia, trust your instincts." or "Of course you know, you ARE his momma." Others have not trusted my protectivity one bit. I have struggled to decide which camp to believe.
The other problem is that Joshua's wounds are not swollen or bleeding. There is not the same visible evidence of his pain, insecurity, and fear.
A few times I have chosen to ignore my instincts because they just have to be wrong, no child could really need this much sheltering. And you know what? I have regretted it every time.
After my most recent episode in ignoring my instinct to protect and shelter Joshua Gebeyehu, I opened my Bible to the book of James. I have read the book of James many times in the last weeks, but God seemed to highlight these words as I questioned my ability to really trust myself as Joshua's mom.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is double-minded and unstable in all he does."
James 1:5-8
Those words pierced my heart and my anxious mind. God has given me wisdom... instincts - and I was choosing to ignore them. I was filled with doubt. The last thing I wanted is and was for God to remove that wisdom from me.
So I promised right then and there to trust Him. I thanked Him for the deep connection He has given me into my son.
Case closed... nope the next morning I was questioning myself again. Until...
I noticed once again the verse from Hebrews 11:1, I have hanging in my dining room.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain of what we do not see."
Sometimes I am shocked that Joshua needs so much sheltering, many times he feels as confident and secure as any of my kids at 2. The instinct to protect him, to remove him from an interaction or activity sometimes takes me by surprise and confuses me. But I am done questioning it. Just as God planted this child so firmly in my heart before I had the evidence that he even existed, He has given me the ability to be his momma.
And Joshua Gebeyehu Chad D. I adore being your Momma! I thank God each and every day for choosing me to be your momma. I love you Mommy's baby.
