So hard, I did not allow myself to post anything. Just needed to process, grieve, and "buck up."
You see, my new job is truly a gift... a blessing... just what we needed in so many ways. I am just not transitioning very gracefully. I am really struggling as I learn to be the working mom of a preschooler.
One of my goals in parenting has been to be with my kids all the time, until they are in school. I totally enjoy my children. I adore being with them. And I have always believed that the best place for them to be is with their momma. We fought hard for me to be home with our oldest four. I did work much of the time, but I was always able to find jobs that allowed me to work with my kids in tow. When Brenna went to Kindergarten I felt like I had completed a marathon just in time! I knew the day had come where I absolutely needed to work more (for financial reasons), and I totally rejoiced that Brenna was in school. The timing felt perfect! I had accomplished my "preschool parenting goal!" At that point, I totally enjoyed being at work, wearing more professional clothing, and having people care about what I had to say.
Then God threw a major curve ball as Joshua was conceived in my heart. My biggest concern, from day one, was day care. I knew working was a fact of my life, and I did not know if I could emotionally handle sending my preschooler to day care.
(OK, so I know I may have some working mom's offended at this point. I am sorry. I have NO issue with working moms. I do not think that one form of parenting is "better" than the other. Some of the moms I respect most in the whole world work. In fact, I was once a day care provider. The working moms I served have become some of my closest friends. The love, respect, and admiration I have for them as moms is what gives me hope during this transition. I simply did not think I could do it, and I really did not want to try.)
Well, as you know, God is good. He met both my and Joshua's need for TIME to bond, TIME to attach, TIME to play, TIME to giggle, TIME to tickle, TIME run and jump and climb, TIME to become strong, TIME to be mommy and son in every sense of the word. I am forever grateful for the 16 months that I was able to stay at home with Joshua.
When it became clear to both myself and Chad that I needed to return to work, God provided once again. He very quickly provided a job. A job with great mommy hours - I am home by 3. A job that I will enjoy. A job that gives me some ministry opportunities.
But, in all honesty, I have not been grateful. Not truly grateful.
If I am really honest, what I wanted God to do was send me a great big check making it possible for me to stay home two more years. I wanted a miracle, and I got one...just not the one I would have picked.
I spent a lot of time this week being ungrateful, stressed, doubting, feeling sorry for myself, grumpy, panicked about the "what ifs." I did not sleep. I hyper-analyzed everything Joshua said about day care. I cried everytime I thought of leaving my little man. I was a wreck.
While I realize that I have a right and even a need to grieve, I also know that I allowed myself to be sucked in too far this week. I was not thankful for God's provision or trusting of His protection.
I was having a temper tantrum because my life does not look exactly like I would like it to.
I was not the daughter I want to be.
So, next week I need to do better. I need to look for things to rejoice in. I need to listen for the things Joshua enjoys about day care. I need to get excited every day as I leave work, feeling grateful to have afternoons with my kids. God has not "short changed me." He has a plan. I need to trust Him enough to accept that plan with grace and gratitude.
I'm going to need you to pray for me. This is really, really hard for me. Ridiculously hard. Especially because I do love my job. In a way, my whole identity as a mom is being reformatted and I am fighting the transformation... big time.
So pray for me to be grateful, peaceful, and joyful.
"Give thanks in all circumstances
because this is the will of God
in Christ Jesus concerning you all."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
And Joshua... in all reality, he is doing pretty good. Not perfect, but really well, especially for a child that struggles with new situations. He is still not eating at day care, unless it is food I pack. He is also stressed about doing projects, which he enjoys at church and home. So he is not "himself." Yet he speaks happily about his time there. He giggled and told me that Denise would be really missing him this weekend. He is sleeping well at night. He seems "himself" at home. I have seen NO regression in attachment or trust.
So continue to pray for Joshua to be Joshua at day care. Silly, confident, and happy Joshua Gebeyehu.
Thanks for carrying me through yet another transition. I am grateful, truly grateful.
