- Sleep - NOT an issue any more!
- Language - NOT an issue any more!
- Large motor skills - NOT an issue any more!
- Growth - 8+ inches in height! (People ask me all the time what I have been feeding Joshua and I always tell them LOVE!)
- Fear of animals- NOT an issue any more!
- Other fears - VERY much diminished!
As I think back over the past year, I envision a pendulum. In the first days, weeks, and months after Joshua entered our family, that pendulum was swinging wildly. Joshua was either SO happy, SO sad, SO angry, SO scared, SO silly, SO... There was no in-between. There was never a gradual transition in-between emotions. It was happy one minute and tantrumming the next, or frozen on my hip one moment and pushing me away the next. It was a roller-coaster!
Gradually, through the use of extremely consistent routines, the pendulum slowed down a bit. As long as we adhered to routine, things calmed. Joshua knew what to expect and relaxed into this routine. However, IF the routine needed to change, we could expect Joshua to become insecure and act out. Most decisions we made were colored with the need to keep Joshua's routine in tact. Eating, napping, and bedtime routines were most important. So we planned all our activities around Joshua's need to have consistency at these specific times.
Consistency in routines created safety for him. As Joshua CONSISTENTLY felt safe, a secure and confident little boy emerged. Ever-so-slowly, the pendulum became a smoothly ticking clock. Routine is still the base of our day, but once in a while we can skip nap... without any consequences other than the too be expected crankiness of a napless preschooler! Last night Joshua took a bath before supper! That was HUGE because bath time is AFTER supper... not before! This switch did take some talking and reassurances, but after explaining the reason for the change in routine he did super!
Some people have asked me what the most difficult part of our first year was. For me, the most difficult part of this year was realizing how totally fragile and confused our son was. He was so lost, so sad, so detached. Although, I was prepared for that, and I was prepared to work hard at attachment; the thing that caught me totally off guard was the realization that Joshua had no idea how to attach. He had no idea what a "mommy" was. I have worked with many, many children. I know what it is to build relationships with them - I thought that made me prepared to bond with my son. I expected Joshua to treat me and learn to bond with me like I was his day care provider. I expected him to trust me to meet his needs while keeping his guard up. I expected him to be cautious, unsure, perhaps suspicious. I expected him to understand that as mommy I was both "the boss" and "the protector." What I neglected to fully factor in was the FACT that Joshua had a completely different background than the kids I had worked with in the past.
I had researched A LOT, and thus knew on a cognitive level how his difficult past would most likely effect his ability to bond, but feeling it is SO different than reading about it! I WAS NOT prepared for him to be emotionally indifferent. (Especially after he had so clearly been waiting for me! He was absolutely thrilled to leave the care center! He knew that there was more, better... but he did not know what to do with that more and better when I arrived AND STAYED!) At first, he really did not care who met his needs as long as someone did. He actually preferred to have many people meeting his needs, allowing no one too close. He had NO desire to love me and trust me to be mommy. And I had no desire to be just another nice lady who helped him go potty and get dressed.
I wanted to be no less that Joshua 's mommy. Daddy was determined to be daddy! And thus the attachment tango began. I have written a lot about that. I do not think I have to rewrite it, but the parenting that went into Joshua attaching to us as mommy and daddy was undoubtedly the most difficult part of the year. It was also the most amazing! The relationship we have with our son is NOTHING like it was 12 months ago! Today, I love being Joshua Gebeyehu Chad's mommy! Chad loves being Joshua's daddy! And Joshua LOVES being our SON, in every sense of the word!
What a difference a year makes!
