I woke up in the middle of last night filled with grief and terror.
I had dreamt that Chad had died.
It was a dream so detailed, so real, that I had a hard time letting go of the fear.
In my dream, he had died during his last day deer hunting (which would have been today). I was left not just filled with grief but with absolutely no idea what to do. How could I shut down the business? What was left to bill on the projects we are currently working on? How do I get rid of equipment? Should I have an auction? What about all the small tools and assorted inventory? Keep the building or sell it? How much grace would the bank give me as I sorted things out? Who should I ask for help? How could I really be there for my kids while trying to sort out the immediate needs of the business? How would I pay our bills in the short term? How should I use the money from life insurance and the sale of the business? Should I sell the house or pay it off? Would the kids get social security? How much?
I seriously processed all these thought in my pseudo-sleep.
I woke up to my alarm at 5:35 totally heart broken. I also woke up determined!
I was formulating a plan all through my shower. I was thinking through all the questions I needed to ask Chad so that if he did die I could "handle it." I was making a mental list of all the changes we should make, just in case. My mind was racing, my stomach ached, and I am certain my blood pressure was far from normal.
Then I picked up my cell phone to check my email, and I noticed the little cross icon at the top of my screen. This little cross tells me that I have received a Bible verse. I get one every day, bright and early, from the "DailyBible" ap on my Droid.
Out of habit, more than reverence, I clicked on the icon.
And when I did His voice broke through.
He said, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34
I love that God meets us right where we are at and loves us enough to speak the exact words we need to hear.
So, do I need to visit with Chad about how to move forward if he would die unexpectedly? Yes.
Do I need to freak out about it? No.
Thank you God for breaking through my racing thoughts, through my anxiety, through my attempt to control and reminding me of Your grace.
