Ever look at the direction your life is headed and think, "this is not what I expected?" or "How could now possibly lead me to where I think I am being called?"
That is the phase of life I am in right now.
I look at the details, and they just do not seem to add up. Where I would choose to serve is in my home, on my own terms. I would love to be home full time. I would love to be serving more in missions, spending more time at my kids' schools, preparing for another adoption, listening more to Chad's dreams, planning a trip to Ethiopia, etc. . .
But that is NOT where God has placed me. And although my life right now is GOOD, I am fighting it a bit because it is not my plan.
I am slowly realizing what a spoiled brat I can be. I want what I want, when I want it! God totally ripped the heart from my chest, and broke me clear through when he called us to adopt Joshua. Our life, our hearts, our awareness, our focus, our everything was changed. God demanded submission like I had never known before. It was hard, and rich, and pure, and humbling, and painful, and healing.
You would think I would have learned that God's plan is often totally different than what I would expect, but the control-loving, spoiled brat in me gradually takes over. Then I begin to plan, to dream, to decide how "it" should be. My plans often seem "good." Yet when the plan is "mine" rather than His, it can never be truly good.
This summer, as I realized that God was forcing me off my road and onto his path, I fought it pretty fiercely. After all wasn't my plan filled with good things? Why would He not bless it?
Gradually, I have stopped fighting. My heart is nearly peaceful. I am certainly not miserable. I like my job. Joshua is thriving at Kristen's. I can see God's grace, His favor, His blessing.
Yet I still wonder, "why?" and "how?" Why does He want me here instead of there? I still (sort of) expect that His path will lead back to home, but how? I totally do not get it, and I am comfortable with that. In an odd way, it excites me!
The biggest blessing about my job is that I am allowed to lead a Friday noon women's Bible study. In recent years I have not been able to attend a women's study, and I have missed it so much. This summer I read a book that my soul longed to share with a group of women. God has granted my heart's desire, and I am truly grateful.
We are reading Ann Voskamp's book, "one thousand gifts." Her book, combined with my beautiful friends, is a true gift. We ended today's study with a manifesto of sorts from Ann's book. It communicates so beautifully who and how I want to be, that I want to record it here, so it is forever hidden in my heart.
"To the Enfleshed Yes who said yes to this moment and yes to last year's business mess and yes to the path I am currently on and yes to the nail and yes to my name in the Book of Life, hear me say YES! Not "I'm worried." Not "I'm stressed out." Not "I'm anxious." Not "I'm too afraid." Hear me say thank you. Hear me say YES! Watch me live a life of yes. To all that was and is and is to come. The power of sin and death and fear-sent-from-the-enemy are forever ended because we can trust in the bridge even if it's caving, in God even when it's black, in the manna-nourishment even when we don't know what it is. The God whom we thank for fulfilling the promises of the past will fulfill His promises again. In Christ, the answer to the question of every moment is always Yes.
The answer is always YES!"
That is truly how I want to live. I want to live a life of YES! I want to trust, even when I don't get it. I want to follow, even when it is NOT the path I would have expected or chosen. I want to ALWAYS answer YES to Him.
