It is also Chad's favorite weekend of the year. He calls it "Opening of Deer Hunting." So while Chad, Sierra, and Jamison are off hunting; the four of us at home plan some fun, too.
Today right after school we rented some movies and then headed to the mall to shop for new pajamas and slippers. Then we went out to eat before heading home for baths and PJ modeling.
Krissy was feeling a little crummy, so Joshua brought her his second favorite blanket to cuddle with. He is truly a sweet, thoughtful little guy.
Originally this was the end of this post. I had rocked Joshua and then lay him down in his bed just like normal. I quickly posted the above pictures and just when I was on my way down to watch movies with Brenna, I heard a very sad boy calling for his mommy.
I walked into his room and his at first quiet tears turned to deep sad sobs. I picked him up and he wailed, "Daddy home. Daddy no hunting. Daddy no leave you Joshua." And he cried sad tears, lonely tears, tears that have experienced loss. These were different tears than the other kids had missing daddy. They were the tears of a very little boy that has felt the pain of loss.
I snuggled him tight and reassured him that Daddy loves him. Mommy and Daddy and Joshua stay together. Mommy and Daddy love you, Joshua. Daddy will come back.
He only cried louder.
We called Daddy. He listened to daddy's voice and his tears went from wails to silent streams. We hung up and I brought him to my bed. We snuggled close. His tears turned to hiccups. He made sure he was touching me at all times. He tugged my face right next to his. All I could do is keep holding him, praying for him, and reassuring him that he is safe and so very loved. Then after about an hour he slept.
It broke my heart.
It also made me mad. Both mad that a child as sweet and loving and silly and wonderful as my Joshua has a real reason to fear the loss of his daddy and mad because I am tired of his pain and grief.
Both righteous anger and selfish anger. I was really looking forward to this weekend. I was looking forward to putting Joshua to bed, snuggling up with Brenna and Krissy and a big bowl of popcorn. Then putting them to bed and enjoying a glass of wine and a good book. I was looking forward to some time to myself. I did not want to spend the time this evening reassuring my grieving child. Yep, I told you... selfish.
There is one very exciting thing about his sadness over daddy being away. You see, Joshua's guard is slowly coming down around his daddy. Joshua has always really liked Chad, but he has also been a little distant and unsure.
Daddy has been really fun to play with. Daddy gives super backhoe, payloader, four wheeler, lawn mower, and scissor lift rides. Daddy has a boat! Daddy tickles and makes funny noises for Joshua to imitate. But did you notice there were very few pictures of Joshua and Daddy until this month? Daddy was held at a very friendly arm's length.
Daddy does not put Joshua to bed. The mention of it sends Joshua running for mommy. Joshua will sit on Daddy's lap but rarely cuddles in. He has never sucked his thumb while being held by daddy.
Daddy has been gone for other trips and Joshua has asked to make sure that he will return, but is satisfied when I say daddy will come home. Not tonight.
Now my big decision is whether to drive to the hunting shack to sleep tomorrow night or not. I do not want to drive there. I have to speak in church Sunday morning and I do not want to have to drive about 2 hours home to get ready for church. I also do not want Joshua to start rebuilding his "daddy don't get too close wall" and I mosy certainly do not want to hold him through grief and fear that I could prevent tomorrow night. What to do, what to do...
Please continue to pray for this little boys heart, for peace, for healing, for security. Pray that Chad and I have great wisdom and compassion as we aid in his healing.
Only God can heal, but I pray we facilitate Joshua's healing.
