This will always be one of my very favorite photos. It captured my very first eye to eye, heart to heart connection with my son. What makes the photo extraordinary is not just that we were finally together - but that you can see our connection. It is all about our eyes.Eye connection is vital in relationships. If you do a search on eye contact and attachment you could read the studies forever. The amount of eye contact between mother and child has been attributed to all kinds of amazing things from IQ to social skills.
I never really thought (before the last year that is) about how many hours I spent gazing into the eyes of my babies. It is really the only way to connect with them at first. They can not do anything but stare at you, and so you gaze lovingly back. You make silly faces. You sing songs. You watch their every expression to guess at their every thought. And soon you can come pretty close! You know by the wrinkle of your baby's nose that he will burst into tears soon. You know in the way she place her hand over her left eye that she is sleepy. You know because you have studied, although the studying is as natural as breathing.
One of they ways I have very intentionally connected with Joshua is through eye contact. I have been lucky because he has been a willing participant. Not all kids with tough pasts are. However, even though he has been willing to lock gazes from the beginning, learning to read each other correctly has been a journey.At first eye contact only happened in play. I played with Joshua for hours and hours, intentionally forging connections of joy with my boy. This was the basis for our early connection. For every interaction we had that was difficult (like nap time, correcting a behavior, or just mom needing to disconnect and get some work done for a bit) I followed with play. When we played mommy was not only an enforcer, mommy could be trusted because mommy was fun.
Probably the next phase of eye contact was peek-a-boo.
As language developed a great way to have eye contact was learning the words for and pointing to mommy's eyes, nose, teeth, etc...
As we have grown closer we have spent hours laying on the floor or snuggled in a chair eye to eye. We have had staring contests that end in huge bouts of laughter. We have made silly faces at each other.
Sounds familiar, right. All those things I did with my babies I have repeated with Joshua. But when the baby is not an infant, it has to be intentional. It is not as natural to play baby games with a toddler/preschooler. It was JUST AS VITAL ... perhaps even more vital in forming a bond with Joshua than it ever was with my babies.
You see, Joshua did not "just get it." When I gave him "the look" - you know the one that says ENOUGH! - he had no idea what I was trying to say. When I gazed deep into his eyes communicating my love, he had no idea what my eyes were saying. So we needed to practice.
Seriously!
The first thing we practiced was pausing to look into each others eyes when we said, "I love you." Oh you can not know how beautiful it was the first time he said to me (in the midst of silly play), "Mommy, look at eyes!" pause for mommy to look "I lub you!"
We went on from there and practiced all sorts of faces. I would make a face and ask him what my eyes were saying. I can not over estimate how much this has helped our relationship. Now when I tease him, he knows by the look in my eye. He can tell by my look when he is being warned to stop or when he is being silently prompted to say please or thank you. He also knows from across the room when I am sending my love through my eyes.
Connection is a beautiful thing, but it is not always magical. Many times it takes work. It takes intentionality. It takes time. It takes practice. But after all the work, intentionality, time and practice the result feels magical.
