Thursday is my day "off" from my church job. BUT, it is my day "on" at Chad's business. So I am not really off, I just get to work with Joshua in tow (big smile)!
Yesterday, all my kids were home because they had a school holiday. I LOVE having my kids home! The morning was delightful! I had worked ahead some for Chad and because I was waiting on a check to arrive in the mail, I was feeling "caught up." So I felt great about spending the morning making breakfast and hanging with the kids. Sierra had an ortho. appointment. We all went to the shop for me to do some filing, and then we went off to a "quick" hair appointment for Sierra and Brenna. That is where my day started to break down.
That "quick" hair appointment, took 2.15 hours! Seriously! I spent 2.15 hours in a salon with 4 (hungry) children. I had scheduled the girls at the same time, with different stylists, thinking we would be in and out in 45 minutes tops. WRONG! By the end of that hair experience, I was stressed! I needed to feed my kids, get to the bank, pay a pile of bills, run payroll, go to the post office, make supper, pick up the house...
The remainder of the afternoon went surprisingly well. My house was totally trashed, but I got most of the computer work done that I needed to for Chad's business. Sure, the house was a mess, supper only half done, I needed to get to the bank and post office, but... I was feeling like I may just survive.
Until poor Chad got home.
Chad walked in the door and asked, "What was the deal with the garbage all over the garage?"
I quickly apologized because I had let the dog out earlier and he had gotten into it. I had not had time to clean it up yet.
He said, "Oh."
My heart heard, "What have you been doing all day? You left garbage all over the garage for me to clean up?!"
Then he politely asked, "How long is Sierra's friend staying?"
I responded, "Her mom works until 6. I thought she would rather be here than home alone."
He said, "Oh"
My heart heard, "I am tired of extra kids and extra chaos. Why did you not bring her home earlier?"
Then I asked Chad, "Could you run this check to the bank tomorrow?"
He said, "I thought you would have gotten that done today, but I guess I can."
My heart heard, "What do I pay you for anyway? What DID you do all day? My home is a mess, supper is not done, there are children everywhere, and you did not even get your paid work done?!"
Because my heart, my stress, and my insecurities were talking much louder than my mind OR Chad's words, I lashed out. (At Chad of course, lucky man that he is to be married to me.) I grumped about how I can never do anything good enough for him. I stomped off to the bank and post office. I peeled potatoes for our late supper with jerky, angry slices. I set the table noisily. I ate sulkily.
I was so incredibly frustrated because I CAN NOT do it all. My house does not run as smoothly now as it did before I went back to work. I work all.the.time. There is always laundry, always bills, always counters to wipe, baths to give, homework to do, kids to council, emails to return, documents to prepare, a phone to answer, a fight to settle... I just wanted a day off, some time to myself, a bit of quiet, a long run.
Then I read this,
"I sometimes got caught up in "I deserve this" moments; I still have moments when I compare myself with other people and trick myself into believing I am doing pretty well. There are still moments when I believe I should be able to relax and do nothing some afternoon, instead of taking care of one more sick person. There are moments when I think that because I worked hard all day, I deserve to be able to sit down and eat my food instead of answering the door for one more person who needs help.
The truth is that these thoughts are not scriptural. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that I deserve a reward here on earth. Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do work at it with all your heart." It does not end in "and after this hard work you deserve a long hot bath and some 'me time.'" It does end with, "since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward."
(Those words were written by 22 year old Katie Davis in her book "Kisses from Katie." Katie is living in Uganda. Her ministry, that she began as a 19 year old, sends 400 children to school, feeds thousands,and provides medical care for as many as possible. Katie has 13 adopted daughters. She spends all day... every day ... feeding, clothing, nursing, loving, teaching, cooking, cleaning, etc as she ministers to thousands in Uganda. I hope that some day, I will be as spiritually mature as this amazing 22 year old woman.)
Those words hit me right between the eyes. I do spend all day... every day... serving. My "to do list" will never be done. But that is what I am here to do!
God created us to be his hands and feet. He created us to love and serve in his name. The culture in which I live tells me that I deserve a nap, a massage, and a nice dinner out - not Him. He blesses me in all kinds of crazy, surprising ways! Sometimes those blessings do come as a dinner out, or coffee with a friend. Those blessings are not bad, they are good gifts - but they are also not "rights!"
My job, my mission, my purpose is to serve and serve and serve with love!
Hopefully, today will be a better day. Hopefully, today I will remember my purpose. Hopefully, today I will serve with His love in a way that makes Him proud.
