Our "curfew" for the past 17 mo. has been Joshua's bedtime. Because bedtime had been a time when Joshua was particularly fragile, we have always made sure that one of us was here to put him to bed. So if we went out, we either went out early so that we were home for bath and bedtime - or we went out after Joshua had gone to bed for the night. Our "curfew" was a great transitional plan. Joshua Gubs learned that he could feel safe (and even have fun) without mom and dad. And mom and dad were able to get out once in a while.
However, the time had come! We knew that Joshua was capable of going to bed without us home. We also know that because Chad and I have a business trip planned for February that will take us both out of town for 5 nights, Joshua needed to start practicing going to bed without us. So we enlisted Krissy to help.
I "booked" Krissy about a month ago when I bought tickets for a concert. I told her that we were going to go out on a "real" date. I would pay her to babysit, and that she would be putting JOshua to bed. She replied, "I'm gonna die!" Then she laughed and entered the job into her calendar.
We did not start talking to Joshua about it until this week. At first he got really sad. He nearly tearfully told me, "I only like mommy or daddy put me to bed." I simply reassured him. When he started to panic and obsess over it, we would change the subject.
One day when I reminded him that Friday Krissy would be putting him to bed, he got really mad. He yelled at me, "NO! NO! I NOT like that!" I just hugged him and reminded him that sometimes we have to do things we do not want to do. When he started to panic and obsess, we changed the subject.
Yesterday, we talked about it a lot. I told him how exciting it is that he is BIG enough to have Krissy to put him to bed. He was quiet. Not excited, but more accepting. I suggested he tell Ashlee. He told me "no way."
When I told Ashlee anyway, he said "I not want talk about that." However Joshua was really intrigued when Ashlee told him that Krissy will be putting Drew and Cam to bed next weekend. She told him they think it is fun to have a babysitter sometimes.
After that he stopped panicking. He was not excited, but I did not hear any more panic or complaints. He waved happily when we left.
He ate supper nicely. Then he had a major meltdown when Krissy told him it was time for bath. It was ugly. Kicking, spitting, tears and timeout. Eventually, he chilled out.
Krissy read to him, prayed with him, sang to him, and he FELL ASLEEP before she even laid him in his bed!
He slept until 6:30 this morning. Then he climbed into my bed and we slept until 8:40 together!
When he woke up, I told him how proud I was of him. He told me, "JOshua was a little bit naughty... kicking... spitting... Krissy put me timeout."
I responded that I was glad Krissy put him in timeout because we never kick in out family. Then I reminded him that I was really, really happy and proud that he settled down and went to bed nicely.
He grinned around his thumb and said, "I did it!"
Sooooo after a few more practices with Krissy or Grandma putting him to bed, Chad and I are going away for the weekend! Can you even imagine such a thing?
Lucky for us, it will truly be necessary! With JOshua everything needs to move in baby steps, so in order for him to be emotionally OK when we go away for a week in February, we will need to go away for a night or two first. It is essential that we continually prove to him that we will go sometimes but we always come back.
Lucky for us, it will truly be necessary! With JOshua everything needs to move in baby steps, so in order for him to be emotionally OK when we go away for a week in February, we will need to go away for a night or two first. It is essential that we continually prove to him that we will go sometimes but we always come back.
Once in a while these baby steps get really old. I want to just go and not be so careful. It is not natural for me. However, they have been so worth it! Joshua has become so confident, so brave, so self-assured. Fear no longer rules his heart. Love and trust are blooming.
So just a few more "baby steps" will be so worth it! Just a few more "baby steps" and I think the attachment tango will come to an end. Just a few more "baby steps" and he will be so attached, so confident, so trusting, that his heart will feel secure even when mommy and Daddy are in Hawaii.
Thank you God that you have not created Joshua Gebeyehu with a spirit of fear, but with a spirit of sonship. Thank you that love, trust, confidence... sonship now rule in his heart. And thank you God for the amazing older sister that Krissy is. She is such a blessing.
