2011, A Year of Change

Today is New Year's Eve.  Can you even believe it?

The close of a year is always a nostalgic time for me as I think back on all that has happened in the previous 12 months.  I told Chad today that to me, 2011 was a year filled with change.   So many changes that at times I am still trying to wrap my brain around them all.

The biggest and very best change is in Joshua's relationship to his daddy.  He has become so attached to Chad.  Everything about their relationship has become relaxed and natural.  Chad had to be so very patient!  It took Joshua a loooooong time, but it was worth every minute.  The picture above was taken just last week.  Joshua had fallen asleep in my van on the way to my Grandma's pizza party.  He was snuggling sleepily on my shoulder a bit overwhelmed by the new location and all the people.  When his daddy arrived he quickly reached out to him.  He was happy to snuggle with him.  Even 2 months ago that would not have happened.  He would never have gone to Chad when he was not totally secure in a location. Once he was feeling a bit more comfortable, he would have gone to Chad before any other adult, but he would not have left my hip in that situation until very recently.  It is so, so good!

He also chooses to go places with Chad instead of with me at times.  He has asked to have Chad put him to bed once or twice when I am at home.  On the weekends when he comes into our room to wake us up, he never leaves our bed without hugging and kissing his daddy.  And in the last week when I have been off work and we have been sleeping later, his first words in the morning have been, "Where my daddy?"  When I tell him he is at work, Joshua responds, "OH, I wanted to take a bath with him! I want daddy time!"

We are now truly parenting Joshua just like we parented his siblings at the same age.  He is sleeping in his own bed!  He has no only very rare issues with separation.  I have not noticed any unusual or possibly adoption/trauma related issues in several months.  Joshua is now also confident and attached in his relationships as a grandson, nephew, and friend as well.  We have slowly transitioned from therapeutic parenting to typical parenting, and it feels so, so, so good!

Other changes this year, which may seem minor to you but feel MAJOR to me include:

• Krissy getting her drivers license and beginning high school!  I am so thankful that driving has gone so well.  I was so worried!  In the end, I have really appreciated her being able (and willing) to run a few errands for me.  I can not believe that in 2 years we will be preparing for her graduation!  I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming.
• Jamison is the same height as me.  That does not seem like such a big deal until it happens.  The little boy I rocked as a baby and tickled as a toddler now looks me in the eye.  Soon, I will be looking up at him.  He has a deep man-voice.  Watching my oldest son turn from boy to teenager has been incredible.  I am in awe at the man he is becoming.
• In August we put our home for sale.  While it has still not sold (and we may decide to pull it off the market), choosing to let go and give even out biggest position to God was a huge decision.  In some ways we were "laying down our Isaac" and allowing God to take it or "regift" it to us.  As a woman who loves making our house THE place for our family to gather and feel safe and loved, letting it go without a plan of what was to come was a HUGE leap of trust.
• I went back to work, and I sent my preschool child to day care.  That was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done as a mom.  Although I truly felt that God was calling me to take that step, I could NOT UNDERSTAND WHY!  I truly believe that the best place for a child to be is with their mother, and feeling that God was "forcing" me to leave Joshua just did not add up.  While I could see how I could be used for His glory in my job, I could not fathom how that gain would be worthy of (what I perceived as) Joshua's loss.  I did not doubt that I was operating under the umbrella of God's will, but I still struggled to trust and submit when it did not make sense to me.  In the past weeks, I have been very humbled as I am starting to catch a glimpse of how God was preparing and protecting Joshua for the future.  My constant prayer during this transition has been Jeremiah 29:11.  When I have been scared, doubting, and frustrated I have continually repeated, "Thank you God that You have a plan for my life.  Thank you that it is a plan to prosper me and my family.  Thank you that it is not a plan to harm me.  Thank you that it is a plan to give me hope and a beautiful future."  It is incredibly humbling to see that plan (which was so totally unknown to me) begin to unfold and realize how many things that I counted as loss were actually gain.

Although I will never remember 2011 as a simple, calm, "golden" year, I will remember it as a year that I learned much about blind trust and having faith even when "it" does not all add up. 

God really is good. . . all. the. time.

Happy New Year!