Today is the anniversary of the day we signed on with IAN and officially committed to finding Joshua.
God had been speaking to me for a while. I knew what He wanted us to do. But fully submitting was so hard. I was terrified! Being scared was a new feeling for me. Sure I have been scared before, but never like this.
You see I "knew" what God wanted us to do, however I had NO proof. I am someone who makes decisions based on logic. I think in a black and white way. God was calling me to do something based on a feeling. Yikes! I felt like there was a child that needed my family to be his. I felt like God wanted us to find him. I felt like we needed to move quickly. But I do NOT make decisions based on my feelings!
So I researched. I made phone calls. I prayed. I talked to Chad and the kids and eventually the rest of our immediate family. I confided in a couple very dear friends. I wanted someone to say yes! do this because... OR no! do not do this because... All I got was "wow, you think there is a little boy God wants you to go find?" Supportive, absolutely. Concrete confirmation, nope.
But God was relentless. I was a wreck! Almost every thought I had was about a faceless little boy in Ethiopia, who was meant to be my son. I cried for this child every day, many times a day... and I am NOT much of a crier.
I continued to wade in deeper and deeper. Asking more and more questions, learning how we would go about finding our son, but my heart was always a little bit closed. Until October 13, 2009.
October 13, 2009 IAN told us they would be happy to help us find our son. At that moment I almost called it all off. I nearly choked. I became overcome with fear. The "what ifs" were too scary to face.
Thankfully, GOD broke through in a huge, yet simple way. He led me to a song. (You can find the link to it on my very first post) I wept from the depths of my soul as I gave up my selfish will, all my fears, all my insecurities. I was totally broken, totally His.
And I am so glad that HE loved my family enough to break through my hard heart. Could you even imagine our life without this beautiful boy?
So today I celebrate all I have learned. Being broken by the Master was an honor, a blessing above any other. It has been painful, but God has walked so close to me during this year. He has held me together. He has brought me comfort and peace. He brought my son home to me, just like he whispered he would a year ago.
So I challenge you today to choose brokenness. Ask HIM to break your heart for what breaks HIS. Follow His whisper. Trust His word. He WILL NOT let you down when you follow HIM.
***Please remember that where God led us in the past year was to our son. BUT following is not just about adoption. God's heart is broken for so many, many things. He wants us to be His hands and feet. He wants to use us to change the world. Are you willing?
***I also want to honor my husband in this post. In our home, I was the one who brought up adoption. I was also the one who was most fearful. Chad is a risk taker at heart. Following God on this grand adventure was a no-brainer to him. I told him what I was feeling and he said, "Go find our boy!" I asked him how we would pay for it and he put one of his most prized possessions, his first car, up for sale. He reminded me many times that we would never regret having more children - but we might certainly regret not finding this child. He jumped in with both feet! He trusted! He followed! While I wrestled and doubted.
By the way, our adoption expenses were covered without the sale of Chad's car. God is so good that way. You can never out give God. You can never trust Him too much either.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you NOT to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
What are you waiting for?
