A year ago as I was packing my bags preparing to travel to Ethiopia and bring our son home, I decided to NOT have a plan for what came next. I am a planner so this was a challenge, but I consciously DECIDED to NOT to come up with any sort of timeline beyond our airport homecoming.
I had read a TON about attachment, trauma, neglect, etc, etc, etc... I knew that until I spent some time with our son, I would not have the slightest idea what to expect.
However, in the back of my mind, I thought by my Mom's birthday - June 24 - Joshua would be ready to ride horse with Grandpa and by the time school started Joshua would be ready for part-time day care. I was so WRONG!
In all honesty, Joshua is NOW at the place I kind of, sort of, expected him to be 9 months ago!
Yet, I am so thankful for the journey. I am so thankful we did not rush him. I am so thankful for the boundaries we set. I am so thankful for the "rules" we broke. If I had one piece of advice to give to a prospective adoptive parent it would be to move slowly, to follow your gut, to read everything you can get your hands on, and to listen to your child.
This first (almost) year of parenting Joshua Gebeyehu has been like nothing we have experienced before. He has had totally different needs. It has been hard sometimes. Hard because we have had to learn new parenting techniques. Hard because we have allowed and even encouraged behavior that is "babyish." Hard because sometimes we have looked "crazy" and "overprotective" to others. But it was in choosing the "hard" and "weird" parenting techniques that we have seen the most healing!
For example, last summer Joshua would say "Momma's baby is crying!" many, many times an hour. I would drop everything and run to scoop him up and whisper soothing words into his ear. Now remember, he was 2 and a half. This looked - to all "normal" parents like I was babying him to the EXTREME! However, what I was really doing was following his lead and his need. I was creating trust and consistency and connection. I shudder to think how our relationship would be different if I had told him that he was 2.5 - NOT a baby and he should act his age.
Another example came in restricting who had contact with him. When a baby is born it can not decide who holds him, that is all up to his mommy. She passes him only to people she trusts. She is "homebase." Joshua had no idea who homebase was, or even what a homebase was. I was a nice lady named mommy. He was very sweet to me, but he was also very sweet to most other people. Sweetness was and is part of who he is - but it was also a survival skill. We did not want him to spend his life friends with everyone, but connected to no one. In order to create this connection we needed to recreate the mommy bond an infant has. So mommy and daddy
were the only ones to snuggle Joshua for a really long time. He was also expected to ask permission before doing simple things like going downstairs.
Crazy right? I may have thought so a year ago! My mind has since changed. These "extreme" measures created connection. Sure it was forced at first. Joshua had to be taught to connect. It was not magic. It took practice. It took diligence. It took time!
After a few months he really liked the feeling of mommy protection. However, he did not know his own emotional limits. He needed me to set even the simplest of relational boundaries. For example, one day about 4 months after Joshua came home, a very close relative stopped by. Joshua ran to give him a hug and clung on in a "hold me" kind of way. So the relative picked him up, something that had not been permitted earlier. I watched quietly from the corner, concerned and wondering... Joshua sat on his hip, but appeared uncomfortable. He did not wiggle. He did not ask to be set down. He froze. Pretty soon this adult asked if he would like to get down. Joshua nodded and seemed quietly OK. Later that night Joshua cried about everything. He was totally off. When we were rocking at bedtime, he burst into tears again. I asked what was wrong and he said, "He hold you Joshua." I said, "Yes. He did. Was that OK?" He responded, "NO! Only mommy, daddy hold you Joshua." and wept big sad tears. Being held without mommy's permission created the same scared, lonely feeling he had had when he was begging any adult for attention at the care center. It did not feel warm and safe, but scary and lonely!
Another 6 weeks later, Joshua began requesting that appropriate people hold him. At that time, he was ready. This took 6 months. It seemed like forever! Now as I think about it, it was perfectly timed. At about 6 mo. a baby can crawl across the room and request to be picked up. Joshua needed those same 6 protected months even though he was technically nearly 3 years old.
Other things triggered a similar reaction on several seperate occasions. Once Joshua grieved for days after playing on the floor with another special family member. He got quite animated and talked like crazy, working very hard to hold her attention. In the moment he seemed to totally enjoy it, however, he did not sleep well and cried frequently for several days afterward.
For a time my "overprotective" wing created safety. As he became more attached, he became more able to branch out. He now seems better aware of what triggers these feelings of insecurity. When someone unfamiliar lavishes him with attention, he grabs for me and removes his eye contact from the stranger. He is still Mr. Personality with those who are familiar, but he now does it with the safety of having a homebase. The change may seem subtle, but when I watch him "work a room" it is a total transformation.
And when I hold him on my hip, he is no longer a sweet stranger - but my truly connected son.
I have been thinking about these events a lot this past week because I am reading a book called, "The Boy Who was Raised As A Dog" by Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz. It is fascinating psychological research about brain development and trauma therapies. It talks a lot about allowing a child to go back to the developmental stage they were at when they experienced trauma and move forward emotionally from there. As I read, I am in awe at how Joshua guided us through many of the therapeutic approaches the doctors recommend. Joshua "knew" what he needed emotionally, we just had to follow his lead.
It has been reassuring to read this book. Sometimes, I feel we are way still "behind." Sometimes I have felt judged. Sometimes I have felt guilty for "hogging" our son. In the midst of our hardest, "weirdest" decisions there has been NO indication that what we are doing will actually benefit Joshua. We have made decisions based on research and hunches combined, certainly not based on personal experience! There were days when I have wondered if we would be "behind" forever!
However, on the other side of the mountain, I see the difference our choices have made. While Joshua is not totally "caught up" emotionally, he has come so very far! I have no doubt he is much more secure, confident, and connected due to our "abnormal" parenting.
If you are in the midst of the attachment tango, wondering if you and your child will ever get in sync, keep practicing... it will get easier, more natural, more beautiful. Take your time. Listen to your child. Listen to your heart. Take your time! Each and every step is worth while. Remember that sometimes going backward gets you ahead!
If you are reading this thinking, "I could NEVER do that!" You are wrong! When God places a child in your heart and home that has special needs, he enables you to meet them. We would have said we could NEVER have a 3 year old in our bed, but when our 3 year old REALLY needed to be in our bed - it was EASY! Other things were not as easy, but with God ALL things are possible. If God is whispering that He has a child He needs you to parent, trust Him! He will walk with you every step of the way, the easy ones and the hard ones!
