Two years ago this Memorial Day Weekend, I was in Ethiopia bringing Joshua Gebeyehu home at long last. (The actual date of was May 30, but because it was a holiday weekend, Memorial Day always will be "the day" in a way.)
When I think over the past 2 years, I realize that
WE HAVE COME A LOOOOONG WAY!
A really, really, really looooooooooooooong way!!!!!!
I took some time today to read through all that I posted in our first month home, and looking back, I realize a few things. First, things got A LOT harder before they got better. In the first days and weeks home, the fact that Joshua "liked" us seemed like "enough." Over time, Joshua's lack of attachment skills became more and more obvious. "Liking" someone is totally completely different than being securely attached. As we began expecting attachment, Joshua back peddled BIG TIME - especially in his relationship with his dad.
We quickly realized that our lives would have to change A LOT in order to help Joshua heal from all the trauma he had experienced in his short life.
In order to foster attachment, and help Joshua learn to trust - I did not do ANYTHING without Joshua for 6 to 9 months. And I really do mean anything. The ONLY time I left the house without him was if he was asleep for the night. It was hard core. But hard core was what it took for our son to know and trust me as his momma.
Since Chad had to leave to work, Joshua's level of trust with his daddy took a lot longer to establish. He always "liked" Chad. But it took more than a year before he would snuggle with him. If I placed Joshua next to Chad in bed, he would freak out. He silently and nearly unnoticeable rejected his dad all the time. For example, he would walk the long way from point A to point B in order to avoid contact with his dad. Others did not notice, but Chad did. And it hurt.
Slowly, ever so slowly, we have seen Joshua develop the deep, trusting, lasting attachment with Chad and I that our older kids were born into. Truly, it was not until this winter that Joshua really "caved" and totally completely fell head over heals in love with his daddy. It was slow going. And I tell you honestly that for the first 18 mo. that Joshua was a part of our family, every decision Chad and I made was shaded by attachment concerns. And in the first 6 to 9 months that Joshua was a part of our family, our entire life focus was on parenting.
It was hard core, but we are both completely THANKFUL for the decisions we made. Two years later we are reaping the rewards, as our son is doing so, so, so well.
Beyond attachment issues, Joshua arrived with very delayed motor skills. He was 2.5 and had only been walking for a couple of months. He could not run. He could not jump. He could not go up and down stairs. He was VERY uncoordinated.
Two years later, he is totally caught up. It makes my heart so happy to arrive at day care and see him racing with his buddy. He is not only able to run, he is becoming fast!
His small motor skills are as good as he wants them to be. He is super with tools, but not so super with a pencil. Pre-school will be a good thing for Mr. Joshua!
His speech and language skills are totally age appropriate.
He eats very appropriately as well. He does not have any of the food related "issues" which are common in kids with similar backgrounds.
Joshua has as good an understanding of his past as can be expected at his current age. We talk about Ethiopia, his Ethiopian family, and his adoption all the time. He is very comfortable with these discussions, as are we.
He is increasingly aware of skin color. He thinks brown is the prettiest color to be. He asked recently if the baby in his Auntie's tummy would be brown or white. He had a major light bulb moment as I explained that the baby would be white because the mommy whose tummy it is growing in is white. He thinks it would be really, really good to have more brown kids in our family.
Currently there is only one area in which we parent him quite a bit differently than we did the older kids at the same age - times of transition. Joshua DOES NOT handle transitions well. He needs warning before a transition happens. We are forever setting timers. When I drop him off and when I pick him up from day care I have to set the timer on my phone. He (usually) stays/leaves nicely after the timer goes off - but he absolutely NEEDS that concrete timer to signify a transition. We also use a timer before bed, before bath, when it is time to leave church, or any other time he struggles to switch activities.
When he has not been adequately warned that a transition will happen, it can get ugly! For example, one day Chad and I picked him up from day care together in Chad's truck. Usually I pick him up by myself with the van. I thought it would be a fun surprise. I thought wrong! He freaked out. He cried and kicked and fought getting into the truck. I then needed to stay in the back seat with him to make sure he stayed in his car seat.
When he gets really, really angry (like in the above example) he is not capable of soothing himself. Time alone in his room, a spanking, or a traditional time out only cause him to be more dis-regulated. When he becomes totally completely upset, only a time-in will help.
A time-in is just like a time-out, except that it happens on my lap. I CALMLY hold him in my lap, whether he likes or not, until he is calmer. He needs the calm and acceptance of my arms to calm himself. This is hard sometimes. I can fool myself into thinking that I am giving him added attention for his bad behavior. However, that is totally incorrect. When he is totally upset, he needs my calm and support to help him learn coping skills. He needs me to love him through the storm.
Holding him as he tantrums is not the same as coddling him or telling him his behavior is acceptable. During a time-in he absolutely knows he is out of control. He just can not get back under control on his own, much like a baby can not.
These time-ins happen increasingly less and less. Joshua is much like Jamison - both our boys are very mild tempered. However, when they are mad... watch out!
The most important thing that I have learned in the last two years is that parenting MUST look very different for different kids. If I had helped the older kids through a tantrum at age 4, it would have been coddling them. They had the coping skills necessary to calm themselves. I used to be much more black-and-white in my views about parenting. I have had to learn to be so much more flexible, so much more patient, so much more educated. I now know that sometimes "good parenting" looks totally completely differently than I ever would have expected. And hopefully, I have become a much better parent in the process.
I also know that no matter how many books I read, seminars I go to, and parenting videos I watch - God alone is in control. I put all of my faith, hope, and trust in Him who reigns.
If you are in the midst of the hard moments, struggling with a child who has no idea how to attach, know that although you may be totally misunderstood and you most likely are totally isolated and completely exhausted, your child is worth the fight. It may be a slow, slow, slow process. Some days may seem to move way backward instead of even an inch forward. You may wonder if things will ever get better. I am here to encourage you, to tell you to hang in there, keep working, keep loving, keep trusting the Healer. Healing happens in His time and He will give you the skills and strength necessary to complete the task He called you to. (even if it looks totally differently than you ever expected.)
