Many times in my life I have felt busy. I WAS WRONG! I have never, ever, ever, EVER been quite THIS busy - and it will get worse before it gets better! "Worse" is a BAD word. There is so much going on, but that is not bad - just busy. And it is almost all self-induced. I am really not trying to complain, rather to explain and prepare.
In the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how much I focus on what "should" happen. For me that word - should - is dripping in guilt, comparison, and a feeling of being sub-par.
I "should" be washing my floor instead of sorting my thoughts.
I "should" exercise every day, even if it means I have to get up at 4am.
I "should" figure out a way to volunteer at my kids' schools.
I "should" call my mom more.
I "should" . . .
Equally dangerous are the "shoulds" that involve my family.
Joshua "should" be able to recognize most of the alphabet.
He "should" be able to count to 10.
Brenna "should" be able to...
Sierra, Jamison, and Krissy "should"
I am working hard at recognizing the lie that comes with buying into my "shoulds!"
"Should" is not the reality, but some bar I place (or perceive the world to have placed) high above anything that I (or the people around me) could achieve.
So, I am working really, really, REALLY, really hard at extinguishing thoughts that begin in "should."
I am replacing those thoughts with REALITY!
Like:
Sorting through my thoughts is a gift I give myself that lasts way longer than clean floors.
For this season of my life, rare moments of rest MUST trump exercise. (for this season)
As for the rest... I am doing the best that I can, and I must grant myself grace. Maybe in a perfect world I "should" be able to do it all - but the reality is I CAN NOT DO ALL THINGS! And by the grace of God, I am learning to be OK with that!
This same train of thought must be extended toward my family as well. The "shoulds" we place on our children most often come from comparing them to the "Einstein children" down the street. Some things may be correct, Joshua is 4.5. He "should" be able to count to 10 - but in all reality, he CAN NOT. So the "should" does not matter. The reality matters. Recognizing the reality and raising the bar one fair and appropriate notch at a time to help our kids (and ourselves) reach their potential does.
Getting rid of "shoulds" does not mean I am trying to ignore the lack in my life.
It does mean I am granting myself grace. I am looking at each situation through realistic eyes and expecting achievement - at a reasonable level!
Getting rid of "shoulds" has also allowed me to be more fully present in each and every moment of the day. When I delete the "I should be" from the back of my mind, I free it to fully engage in whatever is happening in the moment. In this season of crazy, I have been working hard at being fully present in each interaction I have, and then letting it go when I move on to the next task.
For example, when I drive my kids - I drive my kids and I talk with and listen to my kids. I do not (OK I try not to) talk on my cell OR let my mind wander to the next task I "should" do. When I am at a track meet, I am enjoying the track meet - not watching out of the corner of my eye while I make a grocery list and pay a few bills.
These two goals - no "shoulds" and be fully present - have really helped me. I just will be busy - really, really, really, REALLY BUSY for many months to come. That is the reality! I can not change that, and in all reality, I do not want to.
What I DO want is to savor the moments - to hide them in my heart forever.
***Thank you for praying for my Sierra girl. The doctor feels that her foot pain is NOT related to the injury. He says she is suffering from plantar fasciatis. So we bought her some cushy shoes and expect that in time God will heal her. After a week in new shoes, her foot still hurts - but she is not limping. I am declaring that a step in the right direction. (On a side note, Sierra is growing like crazy! She grew 2 inches LAST MONTH! I just bought her a size 9 shoe, and Krissy took her shopping for "middle school jeans." She is most certainly not "Sierra bear-ra" any more. However, the teenager that is emerging is just as precious as the curly-haired toddler once was.)
