I had the most intriguing conversation with my older kids yesterday. They were telling each other stories about when they were little - remembering both silly times AND times when they had been in trouble. After reminiscing for a while Sierra looked at me in a slightly startled way and said, "Mom! You have changed so much since Joshua came home!"
Equally startled, I asked "How?"
She replied (with the help of her siblings), "Well. You say YES way more! You laugh more! You listen more! You play more! You hardly ever yell! You have gotten totally soft."
"Soft?!?" I gasped. "How do you mean soft? Like I let you do anything you want?"
Jamison was quick to give a dimpled, "NO!" to that one. He then responded, "You are strict mom, but fair and reasonable..."
As conversations in our house often do, this one faded quickly and another took its place. However, I have been processing it ever since, and I am realizing that my children are correct.
I HAVE changed A LOT since Joshua entered our family.
Before Joshua entered our home, I was a "good" mom. I had an organized home, respectful and intelligent children, a fantastic relationship with my husband, etc... I was thankful for the good relationships with each of my kids.
I now realize that I took those good relationships for granted AND took advantage of of them all too often. You see because everyone was doing so "well" I did not worry if I spent all day cleaning or reading or talking on the phone, ignoring my kids in my busyness. My kids were "fine."
I also did not get too hard on myself if I yelled once in a while. Yelling may not be the best way to handle parenting issues, but no one is perfect - I reasoned. My kids could "handle it."
As for playing with the kids - who has time for that, I wondered?
When Joshua entered our family that ALL changed. My absolute priority each and every day was making our home feel SAFE for each member of our family. Because Joshua was so very fragile, my tone of voice had to be soft, kind, and gentle ALL THE TIME. I will say it again ALL THE TIME. Even an impatient sigh, directed at another family member, would send him into a panic. I learned quickly how often my voice of body language was impatient, frustrated, angry, or sarcastic!
For about 9 months, my top priority became parenting. I did not watch TV. I did not talk on the phone. I dropped out of all social circles and volunteer positions. The ONLY thing I allowed to distract me was the needs of my family. During that time, I did learn everything I could about parenting. I did take time to PLAY and PLAY and PLAY with my kids. I did LISTEN, very carefully - to EACH member of our household. I dropped out of all social circles and volunteer positions. The only thing I allowed to distract me was my family.
AND
That time changed me. I realized that I can have very good control of my voice, even under extreme stress, if I try hard enough. I realized that I had been missing out on a lot of great conversations with my kids because I had forgotten to truly listen to them. I realized that I had been too busy multi-tasking to play, and when I took the time to play my relationship with my kids improved exponentially. When you connect with your kids in a fun, silly, playful way it changes how you see each other. (Just like when you go on a date with your husband.)
I know that during those solitary days, many people wondered if our family would ever be "the same" again. Looking back, I realize how that time CHANGED US ALL - for the better. I get teary thinking of the fruit those precious days yielded. (OK, so at the time not all of them were precious! Some of them were really, really, really hard!) Joshua was healed in so many ways during that time. The relationships I have with each of my kids grew and grew and grew. The relationships my kids have with each other became closer and richer. That time, that seemed to be a sacrifice, was one of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given.
Oh, how I hope that we will NEVER be the same again!
