This afternoon/evening was crazy!
I woke Joshua up from his nap at 2:45 to pick up the younger girls from school.
We went to watch Sierra run cross country. (She did super, placing 12th!)
We went to the grocery store to pick up snacks for teachers appreciation at the middle school tomorrow.
We went to another store for ring pops. (I promised Brenna...)
We dropped supper off for Jamison.
I made supper.
We went to watch Jamison play football - more kid chasing than normal, thought the ring pops that I went to 2 stores to find would help... not =)
Game started later than scheduled so finally got home with all 5 kids at 7:45 - bedtime is supposed to be 8 for the younger 2.
Helped Krissy with geometry while I rushed Joshua and Brenna through bath.
Did Brenna's homework and more geometry, heard Jamison's game highlights, and visited with Joshua during snack.
So in the mix of of 4 kids talking to me Joshua asks for a granola bar. I say, "Sure you can have a bar once you eat your apples." (the snack he chose first) I go on to help Krissy with geometry, something I am NOT good at. This is usually Chad's job but Chad is out of town for the week.
I glance up and Joshua is climbing out of his booster seat to reach for the granola bar he wants... before his apples are gone. Momma says, "Joshua Gebeyehu Chad D. NO! You need to eat your apples before you can have a granola bar."
The I hold my breath. Because although I did not yell, I certainly used a firm voice... and I am remembering back...
When Joshua first came home everything, even "no" had to be said in a very loving almost sing-song voice. He was so insecure that any amount of frusteration caused him to retreat. About a month after Joshua came home we had one very rushed morning. I needed to get Brenna to summer school and he was not wanting to be put down, even for a minute. It was a crazy, rush to get out the door and at one point I sighed, "Oh, Joshua" That is it... just a quiet sigh. Soon after that point he started to cry. He wept as I carried him to the car. He cried as I buckled him into his car seat. He did not say good-bye when we dropped off Brenna, he just cried some more.
After w dropped off Brenna, I told him (in my sing-song voice) that we were going to go for a run. Truly, I had HAD it! I decided that if he was going to cry all morning, I better go for a run so I would be in a better place to tolerate it!
I stopped the vehicle near a running trail and when I did a quiet voice in the backseat said, "Joshua too?"
My heart nearly broke because in that moment I understood his tears. He was not mad or sad because he had to do a bunch of stuff he did not want to do. He was terrified because I had been frusterated with him. He had felt my rushed, tense body and heard my sigh. What would I do next, his little mind and heart wondered.
So I opened my door and scooped him out of his carseat with a big, tight hug. I asked him to look in my eyes and I told him, "Yes! Joshua too! Joshua and Momma! Momma loves you Joshua!"
Only then did I feel him relax. He gave me a great big hug back, looked into my eyes and giggled. We went for a "stroller bike run" , played at the park, and eventually returned home happier!
So tonight when I called him by his "naughty name" (That is what my kids call it when I scold them with their whole name.) I help my breath. I have never done that before with him. Was he going to be OK? Or did I just blow it?
I was instantly irritated with myself because I really did not have the energy to repair any damage I might have caused to his heart. Plus reaching for a granola bar is really not THAT bad, I was just tired and doing too many things at the same time. Meanwhile the other side of my brain consoled me that it was not a big deal. I said his whole name, but it was not like I screamed at him. I would certainly have said the same thing to the older kids and have thought nothing of it. He had been told no, he did not obey, another verbal reminder was appropriate.
(Isn't it amazing how many thoughts can go through a woman's brain in a second and a half?)
So what happened... drum roll please...
He sat down and pouted.
I watched very intently, under the pretense of geometry homework, while he thought through the interaction - with his thumb in his mouth.
After a bit, he ate his apples.
The I cheerfully asked if he wanted the granola bar since he did such a super job eating his apples.
He grinned and answered, "Bar please!"
Then I put him to bed much later than usual but without a hitch.
Thank you God for the beautiful way you are knitting my family together. Only you could do this. Thank you for the confidence I see forming in my son. Thank you that you have created each of us with a spirit of sonship - not a spirit of fear. Grow us closer to you and closer to eachother day by day. Continue to knit our hearts together with eachother and more importantly knit each of our hearts with yours. You never stop amazing me, Lord. Your love and grace truly are enough. Thank you.
P.S. God please heal Jamison's battered and bruised neck. He is a hurting unit after today's game. Please, Lord, remove his pain, bruising, and stiffness.
