At first he cried at the thought of bedtime. When we would go toward his bedroom, he would cling to me and wail one minute then change his mind and push me away while screaming the next. His cry was not one of temper, but of trauma and fear and grief. He would fight sleep with all he had, crying twisting, turning, refusing to relax even a bit. When he finally fell asleep - which on the worst of nights could be up to 2.5 hours after we started - I would have to ever so carefully settle him in his bed and slowly peel myself away from him inch by inch. It was intense. It was heart-breaking. It was also healing.
Now, I realize I could have just let him cry it out. I am positive the nannies at the care center did not walk, rock, and sing to this boy. But, holding him through these storms was one of the first ways I could communicate that a Momma is different than a nanny. I would not leave him. Not when he threw a monster fit. Not when he pushed me away. His Momma would be there to hold him through his fear and grief, just like I was there tickle and play when he was happy and charming.
Now, I am no push-over. Mr. Joshua has not ruled this roost. He has been told no when necessary. He has cried and thrown fits because of those no's. At first his reaction to any type of discipline was one of total rejection. If I told him no, he cried for Krissy or his Daddy. I know this sounds normal, but it was not within the realm of normal. He cried for them because he was totally scared I had "rejected" him and he thought he had better find someone else to love him quickly. So while discipline had to happen at times, it had to be followed with one on one time with momma doing lots of fun things to rebuild his trust. (I am changing subjects and will post more about discipline another time.)
Discipline was tricky, but I was able to find a lot of resources about different techniques to discipline YET maintain a loving, nurturing relationship. Things like never putting him out of eyesight for time-outs. Working hard to avoid situations that would tempt behavior problems. Redirecting and distracting whenever possible. Those resources helped me feel more confident when I problems arose.
But I have not found many resources about how and when to encourage a newly adopted child to fall asleep on their own. So, I have prayed a lot and punted!
Because I have felt that Joshua's reaction to falling asleep was based in fear and trauma, I have been very careful to be patient, gentle, and nurturing. We have had a very consistent bedtime routine. This consists of bath, lotion massage, warm milk and snack, tell the older kids and Daddy mah tah mah tah (good night, one of his rare Amharic words), read a book, say prayers, and sing soft lullabies while rocking.
Slowly, Joshua began to stop resisting the idea of sleep. He accepted a blanket to snuggle. He would suck his thumb. He would head to his room willingly, but if he was not soundly asleep when I lay him in his crib he would wake with a start, cling to me, and scream! I would stay with him in his room until he was fast asleep, holding his hand or rubbing his head.
This nightly routine was exhausting. But, I felt it was really important that until I was confident that he felt safe and secure here that I not make him cry to sleep. I watched for confidence in his relationship with me during waking hours before I tested it at bedtime.
Some things that made me feel he was feeling more safe, secure, and attached were:
- He was very comfortable with me leaving the room while he played.
- When he was disciplined, he recovered quickly and without rejecting me.
- He understood language well.
- He woke from his nap without fear, but calling confidently for me.
- He woke in the middle of the night, calling for me but not screaming in fear.
- When he came to our bed he could sleep near me, but not wrapped around me.
- He understood that the older kids fell asleep without momma.
Last week (after being with Joshua nearly 3.5 mo.) I forced him to fall asleep by himself when he woke right after I lay him in his crib. I was not completely confident that Joshua was ready, but I decided it was time to test it.
I told him that I loved him and he needed to go back to sleep. Momma would be in the kitchen and I would check on him. I left and he cried lay quietly at first. Then he realized that I was serious. He cried. He yelled for me. He begged me to hold him, hold his hand, stay near him. I was a wreck. But, I believe that parents have to follow through, so I followed through. I did listen carefully though because had the tone of his cry turned to the cry that I have learned signals deep insecurity, I most certainly would have grabbed him.
Finally, he fell asleep. I was not sure what he would be like in the morning. Would he give momma big hugs or push me away and run to Krissy. He woke up with a bug hug and a request for momma to "nuggle you more pleasie." And relief flowed through me. I snuggled with him and told him how proud I was that he fell asleep all by himself, just like Brenna. He giggled and we ran to tell all the big kids how wonderful he was!
That was 5 days ago and he is still doing super! We still follow a strict routine - bath, milk and snack, good-nights to family, read a book, say prayers, sing for 10 to 15 min, then lay him down. He cried a bit and/or called for me the first couple of nights. Tonight he grabbed my hand tight and made sure I would check on him, but there were no tears. He is doing so well and I am so very proud of him.
I do still let him come to bed with us in the middle of the night. I have decided to let that continue for another week or two, but he has slept until 6AM several nights which is morning around here. So, maybe that transition will take care of itself.
Most everything I have done in regards to sleep is by my instinct alone. I do not have references and resources to back me up. I only tell you all of this because I wish I had been able to find resources to tell me what to do and when. Rocking, singing and snuggling Joshua to sleep was hard. It tried my patience and cost me time with Chad and the older kids. But it was also very sweet. I could feel Joshua soaking in my love, learning my heartbeat, testing my love. And, oh how I love this sweet boy!
Tonight Joshua was tucked in by 8:22. Life is slowly creeping back to normal. What a wonderful feeling!
**I realize that this was long and detailed and most of you do not really care =) but I searched and searched for any type of sleep advice so hopefully this is helpful to someone.
