As I consider the fact that we have been home, truly home, with Joshua for 3 months, I am struck by how truly completely he is our son. You see as I waited there were moments I had unspoken questions and concerns - things I trusted only God with.
Terrible questions like:
- will he really feel just the same as my belly babies?
- what if when I go to pick him up I feel more drawn to another child?
- what if the older kids don't fully accept him?
- what if he doesn't love us?
I shared these questions only with God. And trusted Him to work out the details. Now I share them with you because you might have the same questions, doubts, and concerns that I did.
Joshua Gebeyehu Chad D. is 100% my son. The love and connection I feel for him is absolutely the same that I feel for the older 4. He is every fifth beat of my heart. He could not be more completely my son.
I have the unique joy of having 2 boys that came from Joshua's same orphanage at the very same time living near us. They are beautiful, sweet, energetic, loving, wonderful boys. I adore them. But they IN NO WAY feel like my son. I have never thought things would have been better if the referrals were different. I did not feel at all drawn to another child while at the care center in Ethiopia in any sort of motherly way. Just like when I peaked through the glass at the hospital and saw all the newborns in the maternity wing after giving birth, I only had eyes and a heart for my sweet Joshua.
The older kids adore him. Krissy has had classmates ask why she would call him her brother when he is clearly "not!" Her response is very 14, but so heartfelt. Jamison stops his video games every night to kiss Joshua good-night. Sierra felt weird when her teacher told the class about her "special" little brother today because while he is special, he is also just her brother. And Brenna put on her swimming suit tonight to take a bath with Joshua because he was feeling lonely. In fact, she not only jumped in the tub with him, she politely asked her neighborhood buddy to go home so she could cheer up Joshua. Yep - they adore him! They also are annoyed and impatient at times which combined with the adoration, tells me Joshua is truly their brother.
And my Joshua loves us. He is still learning all that true love means. He is still growing in trust. He is still scared that we will leave him sometimes. But he is healing! It is so very beautiful. He has been able to say, "I lub you!" since we boarded the plane in Minneapolis that would take us home. At first, "I lub you" was just a phrase. When he said it, we would melt and he liked that. Or he would repeat "I lub you" when it was said to him. Recently, he will come up to me and give me a big hug and say, "Me mommy, I lub you." and really start to mean it. Oh, how very beauitful it is to watch him learn to love us. To feel his real, true, deep love start to sparkle. It makes me love him even more deeply and brings the greatest joy Ihave known in a long time.
So friends, I confess - I had fears and concerns. Some I voiced, some I kept silent. I did not know how this all would play out. But I KNEW that God wanted us to find our "Joshua." I KNEW that to ignore the cry of my heart would be to DEFY God. So we moved. We followed. We trusted that as it promises in Psalms, "He (really would set the right) lonely (one) into (our) families." We did it, but we did it scared a lot of the time...
And we have been blessed - both in the miracle that Joshua is and in seeing and feeling God in a deeper way than ever before. All the smoke has not cleared. We still have some mountains to climb, but we will not be alone. God has proven worthy, honest, and true over and over. So we will continue to follow - even if we are scared of where He is leading.
I found this video amongst the Orphan Sunday resources and it fits my heart today. I hope it speaks to you too.
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Why Love Orphans? from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.
