My older kids have always been confident of my love. As soon as they understood object permanence, they were not terribly concerned about being separated from mommy as long as they were with a safe adult. They were never concerned that if I left, disciplined them, or simply went to the bathroom by myself that I would stop loving them.
Not true for Joshua.
He totally understands object permanence. He does not doubt that if he leaves his blanket in my room it will be there later. He has an amazingly detailed memory and always knows where all his favorite things can be found. However, being confident that I will return is something we are working on. Similarly, being confident that I love him no matter what is difficult to believe.
To help him develop emotional permanence, he and I play a game. I call it "does mommy love you when..." It goes something like this:
- Does mommy love you when we are snuggling?
- Does mommy love you when we are playing toys?
- Does mommy love you when we are eating food?
- Does mommy love you when you are crying?
- Does mommy love you when you have to sit in your booster (time out)?
- Does mommy love you when we are playing "get you-get you?"
- Does mommy love you when I am sleeping?
- Does mommy love you when I am gone at a meeting?
- Does mommy love you when you are throwing a fit?
- Does mommy love you when we are reading books?
He loves this game! He says, "more! more!"
At first he would say, "No" to many of these questions. He did not think I loved him when he was throwing a fit. He did not believe I loved him when I was at a meeting. I would say, "Yes! Mommy loves you when I am at a meeting. Mommy always loves you." He was not convinced. But slowly and the more we play, it is sinking in. He now giggles when I ask him the tough questions. He is not ready to say, "YES!" He still wants to hear it from me, but he knows what the answer will be and excitedly waits to hear it!
I really believe this game is helping him. In fact, I believe tonight was proof. I left Joshua with Daddy tonight so I could facilitate a parenting class at church. I have left him with daddy once or twice a week for quite some time. Leaving him has not been pretty... think 9 mo. old emotions with 3 year old words. He cries, pushing away from daddy, and yells things like, "mommy no leave you Joshua", "Joshua need you mommy", "No mommy meeting, mommy e-stay Joshua!" Poor Chad feels like an ogre. Joshua totally enjoys daddy - but mommy leaving has been really scary!
Tonight I told Joshua I needed to go to a meeting. He started to get clingy and scared. He told me, "mommy no meeting!" I asked him if I loved him when I was at meetings? He tucked his thumb in his mouth and gazed into my eyes. I saw a tiny nod yes! I gave him a huge and very jubilant hug. Then I asked him if mommy would come home later. Another nod and even the words, "yes. mommy come home. mommy put you mah-tah, mah-tah." I told him how smart he was and gave more big snuggles.
When it was time for us to separate, Joshua did not cry! He had a great time with daddy. (He always does once he settles down.) He was happy to see me, excited to show me what he and daddy had been doing, and proud that he did not cry when I left. He did not ignore daddy when I walked in the door. He also was not detached from me. He treated us BOTH as if we had been with him all evening.
Hip hip hooray!
