I was blog surfing the other day and I ran into this article. It is titles Parenting Backwards. I love the title and the incite this momma provides.
Adoptive parenting IS absolutely like parenting backwards - at least for a time. With my four belly babies, I was constantly encouraging them to be independent. I looked forward to each and every next step... drinking from a cup, feeding themselves, leaving them with a trusted sitter, sleeping in a big kid bed, etc... And with them it was totally appropriate! They had been born dependent. I had been there to meet their needs. They had never experienced great loss. They were "putty in my hands" totally attached, deeply loved and also deeply in-love. They were secure and confident in their place in the world - so encouraging them to be independent was wonderful. They had a safe place to turn if they were scared, hurt, experienced failure or disappointments. They knew I would be there to pick them up, hold them, kiss their boo-boos, and encourage them to try again. Mommy was someone special, trusted, and always nearby.
That is NOT how Joshua's life started. From the sweet fuzzy memories he has of breastfeeding, I have no doubt he was held and loved and snuggled as a babe. But that circle of trust and love was broken. Not by any fault of his Ethiopian momma, but by circumstances she could not control. However, in a infant/toddler brain ALL that matters is that momma is gone and not coming back. Even a babe can become hardened by grief and very self-supporting.
There in lies the reason to parent backwards. Instead of starting by encouraging independence - like would seem appropriate with a toddler, we needed to start with dependence. We needed to saturate Joshua's world with mommy and daddy. We needed to prove over and over again that we would take care of him. We had to insist on it at times. We have held him "way too much" for a child his age. When he cries, we go running. Not to coddle him, but to prove and reprove, and then prove again that when our baby cries we will meet his needs.
With Joshua, we have encouraged dependence. That is not how I reared the older kids. I value independence. I was not a mommy to hover. When potty training, my kids wiped themselves. They learned to dress themselves early and I did not care what they wore. I cheered for their every move toward independence. Not because I dislike caring for them, but because I knew they could do it and I wanted to enable them to "be all they could be."
The work God has done in my heart to make Joshua's needs so crystal clear to me is amazing. The way I have naturally parented Joshua is totally unnatural for me, only God could have made it so natural. When Joshua came home I could feel his insecure independence and it broke my heart. He was emotionally independent because he had learned that it was the safest path. He was very content to take care of himself as much as possible. His biggest way to do that was to make sure he was friends with many the tall people around. While he liked me from the start, I could feel the difference between secure love, and survival love. I was nice. I was "good with kids." I was the one his precious Mitin handed him to. I was the safest one around, but it was not a secure love. He did cry (sometimes) when I was out of reach - but because he was scared of being left. Not because he was attached to me. We needed to teach him that dependence was safe before we encouraged him to be independent. Talk about an unnatural way for this momma to parent.
I am sure at times people watch me with my son and think he is totally spoiled and babied. He is held and carried A LOT. He has a huge need for touch. Just like a 7 mo. old that can not stand to be away from mommy's arms for a whole shopping trip, my boy needs to be snuggled and held midway through the grocery trip sometimes. Yesterday as we drove around running errands he told me, "Joshua need you mommy! Need snuggle!" And I carried him chest to chest all through the next store and complimented him for using his words to tell me what he needs. Crazy, for a kid his age? Not based on his life story.
Through all this nurturing, I see so much healing happening. He is able to do more and more on his own - while staying "dependent". (In other words without putting up an invisible wall that tells me he is closing me out.) Just like cuddling and mommy time helped my belly babies become independent, and know they have a safe place to land; reenacting that is refueling my toddler.
Some books call this fuel "mommy (or parent) juice." Kids need to be full of mommy juice (love, support, affection) in order to thrive. Once their tank is full and refilled often (before the low fuel light comes on) they begin to get better gas mileage and can do more and more on their own while still feeling filled up and loved. Joshua's tank was on "E" for quite some time - so it has taken a LONG time to fill. I think it is full now, but he does get less "miles per gallon" than his siblings did at his age. So we take lots of breaks to refill. Those breaks come in the form of hugs, eye contact, rocking, playing silly games, laughing, tickling... basically anything that causes him to feel commected, important, and adored.
Parenting backwards... it is in my opinion the best way to help a wounded child heal. Besides prayer, of course) It is not easy - and sometimes looks crazy and over-controlling from the outside looking in - but I see and feel its benefits on a daily basis.
Monday, Joshua and I were at Walmart. He did a super job. He stayed in the cart the whole long trip, although needed a lot of eye contact and hugs. Anyway I was entertaining him with silly stories nose to nose as we waited at the checkout. When we got to the cashier she commented with a smile, "I can see you have a momma's boy in your cart!" And I could happily and confidently reply, "YEP! He is mommy's baby!" To which Joshua grunted, "UMMM hmmm (aka yes!)" around his deeply inserted thumb.
That moment was music to my heart!
