Joshua speaks about waiting for his mommy...

As Joshua has been home longer and longer the way he processes grief and questions has changed. At first his grief was expressed in a certain "tone" when he cried - just like you can tell when your newborn is hungry or scared by the tone of their cry, I could hear Joshua's tone of grief. Holding him while he cried and cried was the only way to express my sympathy and love.

However, as his trust in me and his language skills have developed over the past months he is able to verbally share his grief, fear, and confusion. He is also able to accept my sympathy, love, and reassurances.

This weekend, Joshua found the picture below.

He has seen many pictures of our family before he joined us. He always asks, "Where is Joshua?" And I respond with either "you were not born yet" or "you were in Ethiopia." He has accepted either answer fairly nonchalantly.

But THIS picture he brought to me with tears in his voice. He said, "Mommy NO in this picture! Mommy get you Joshua! Joshua need you mommy!"

Those words expressed toward this picture nearly stopped my heart. This picture was taken while we were on our "American dream vacation to Florida" and while Joshua was being transferred from a foster home in Awassa, ET to the orphanage that would refer him to us. It was taken at a time when I know he was scared, confused, lonely, weak. He did need me.

While I did not tell him all those details, I did tell him that I was trying. I was trying as urgently as I could to get to him. I was praying for him. I was sad and lonely waiting, too!

I scooped him up and he cuddled under my chin sucking his thumb and considering the truth of my words. We sat there a long while holding each other. Then he got up and went to play.

That conversation has been repeated many times this weekend. He needed to tell me about how sad he was AND he needed to hear me tell him that I understand. By the end of the weekend the conversation was quick and easy, we both knew the "script" and that "script" has helped us both to walk one step closer to healing.

Someone asked me recently if I really thought small children "cared" that they are in an orphanage. Do they really know the difference?

YES. No matter how young, no matter how amazing the orphanage, they KNOW. We were made to be in relationships - close, nurturing relationships. Children were meant to have parents - mommy and daddy - not nannies. They know. They long. They hurt. Many wait.

In case the above story does not have ou convinced, here is another.

I was watching a video of a waiting baby with a friend. The baby was crying. Joshua came running to see what the noise was. He saw the baby crying. His FIRST question was, "Is that the baby's mommy?"

I told him, "No. That is a nanny."

He told me, "Baby is crying for mommy. No I like it nannies! Joshua cry mommy! mommy! Baby needs mommy! Mommy come, baby stop. Baby happy!"

Later I asked my son, "Were you happy when this mommy came? Or scared?" (I was wondering if he really knew I was coming. Or was it his Ethiopian mommy the mommy he cried for.)

He responded, "Joshua waiting thissie mommy. Joshua no scared. Joshua happy. Joshua no like nannies! Joshua I love it mommy!"

They know.

Has it been hard? Has he grieved? Has he ever been scared? YES.

Has he ever wished to go back? NO.

They know. They long. Many wait.