I can not remember a time when I did not want to be a mom. Having babies was always one of my goals. I drug dolls everywhere when I was little. I gave them long, old fashioned names like Elizabeth. I began babysitting as soon as I could convince someone to entrust me with their kids. In fact almost every job I have ever had was child focused.
I started bugging Chad about, "When can we have a baby?" shortly after we got married - at 19! However, for various health and family history reasons, I was never totally convinced that I would be able to be pregnant. When Chad finally agreed to "my" baby, I warned him that it could be a loooong process. With the confidence of a 21 year old male he responded, "Give me three weeks!"
To my amazement, I was pregnant 3 weeks later. I was totally thrilled, but also very aware that every pregnancy was a miracle. I loved being pregnant. I savored every stretchmark, kick, and hiccup, amazed at the miracle occurring inside of me. I could hardly wait to meet our baby.
The first night I lay Krissy, our firstborn, into her crib for the night I prayed with her the prayer that I prayed with my parents as a child. "Now I lay me, down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die, before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." When I got to the if I should die, I wept. It became crystal clear to me how NOT in control I was of this precious little one's life. In that first night at home with her I knew I had to entrust her to God. He may have allowed me to carry her in my womb, but I did not create her. She was His child. But, He had chosen ME to be her mom. It was not a coincidence, but a divine match. Wow!
I am so glad that I came to this realization so quickly. It has changed how I see my role as a momma. When I tuck our kids into bed at night I often tell them how thankful I am that God chose me to be their mom. Recently Brenna told me I tell her that all the time - she knows (bored voice and rolling eyes)!
Her bored response to my declaration of gratitude was a wake-up call to me. One of the things I had been working through was how different Joshua G's arrival into our family is than the arrivals of each of our "belly babies." I suddenly woke up to the fact that his arrival is more alike than different. God has chosen me to be Joshua's mom just like He chose me to be the mom of Krissy, Jay, Sierra, and Brenna.
If you doubt that Joshua G's being referred to our family was God's doing, please reread much of this blog. Additionally, I recently discovered that during the time we were gathering the documents for our dossier - "the magic ticket" to the waiting list - there were several boys in the age range that we were thinking our son would be that were waiting children. There were families that committed to these boys and THEN started working on their dossier. I had heard rumors that this was possible, but since our caseworker never offered the opportunity I did not look into it. If she had recommended that we look at the paperwork of one of these waiting boys, we may have committed to a different child! Instead nothing was offered and when our dossier was ready we were put on the waiting list since there were no waiting toddler boys at that time.
Now as we wait for Joshua G. to come home, I am grateful to be chosen once again. Joshua did not grow inside of my body in the same way our first four children did, but his birth into our family is just as divinely chosen. It is really hard to wait to hold him. Pregnancy was easier in that I was near our babies all the time. I felt like I was doing my part to take care of them by eating right, exercising, taking vitamins, going to the doctor... This time my son's care is totally out of my hands. I get pictures and videos of this beautiful little boy and all I can do to care for him and protect him is pray. I can not fool myself into thinking I have some control. But in our weakness He is strong. He is teaching me to trust Him so much more deeply. And in His perfect time I will be holding the 2nd son He chose for me.
