In the last months, Joshua and I have had a recurring conversation that hurts his heart. He is struggling with the fact that he was never in my tummy.
When this fact first came up, his reaction was relief. It was much easier to trust me when he knew I was his "new" mommy.
He was only about 15 mo. old (according to the limited information we have) when he was forever separated from his Ethiopian mommy. Based on his NEED to be held, his desire to feel skin to skin contact, and his curiosity (to put it mildly) about nursing, I am positive that he has sensory memories of being held and snuggled and nursed by his Ethiopian mother. He does not have any concrete memories of her. In fact at the moment he is confuses the nannies that cared for him after he was relinquished with his Ethiopian mommy.
He does not have fond memories of the nannies. We are forever indebted to them for making sure he was safe, getting him nutrition, and encouraging his growth at a terribly difficult time in his life. I am sure they did the best they knew how to do, and I realize that even the very best child care center is NOT a place for a child to grow up feeling adored, unique, and special. That said, Joshua does not remember anything warm and fuzzy about his time in their care. The memories he is able to verbalize are scary or lonely ones.
So when talk of babies being born comes up, he is not a happy boy. He is a boy who is confused and grieving.
He desperately wants me to be able to change the story, to be able to tell him he was in my tummy. In fact, when given the chance, he crawls in and pretends it is true!
This is Joshua pretending to be a tiny baby in mommy's tummy. Krissy thought he was so crazy that she had to snap a picture. He did not feel crazy though, he was thrilled. He cuddled up under my big old sweatshirt and sucked his thumb until I was so hot I could not stand it!But eventually, the pretending stops, and we have to talk about the truth. The truth is that Joshua had a very special mommy in Ethiopia. I am sure she loved him and hugged him and took the best care of him she could. I never want to dishonor her role in Joshua Gebeyehu's life.
I also never want to dishonor Joshua's grief and longing. So when he tells me, "No FAIR!!! Joshua want be in thissie mommy's tummy! No I like it Ethiopia mommies." I respond with lots of hugs and snuggles. I whisper that I would have been thrilled to have him in my tummy, but God had another plan. I remind him that the nannies were not his Ethiopian mommy. I tell him I am sorry he was sad and lonely. I am sorry that the nanny were not "nicey girls." Empathy, honesty, prayers, and hugs are the only gifts I have to give my baby.
These conversations creep up all the time. You can not hide from grief or from the truth, but I believe when they are faced and embraced healing occurs.I love you sooooo much, Joshua Gebeyehu Chad D. I get sad too that you were not in my tummy. I get sad when I think of the pain and loneliness in your early life. I have my own wishes, too. I wish I could have met her. I wish I could have seen the way she looked at you and held you. I wish I could have told her how I treasure you... You are right, it is not fair. However, I am forever grateful that God connected your heart with mine. I am so thankful that HE chose us to be together. Thank you for trusting me with your pain. Thank you for letting me hold you and comfort you and pray for you. Jesus said, "Blessed are they that mourn for they will be comforted." You can trust in Him.
