I have been thinking and praying about how to describe/inform you of some of the things I have learned about attachment. I keep putting off this series of posts because I want them to be fresh in your mind when Gebeyehu comes home. I also have been trying to develop the right words. Now I am wondering why I waited because my brain is really full of travel plans, work details, end of school year festivities, etc... so please accept my attempt! I have read over a thousand pages of information about attachment. I will try to briefly and simply relay some of what I have learned.
Attachment is feeling connected, supported, adored, loved (in this case) by one's family.
In a perfect biological setting, attachment between parent and child begins before the baby is even born. The mother's feelings of love and anticipation of a baby's birth are transferred to her baby while in the womb. When the baby is born it recognizes the smell and sound of his mother. When he cries and his mother soothes him quickly, he learns to trust. When his mother rocks him and sings to him and kisses him and changes him this attachment between mother and child is strengthened. Each instance of love, nurturing, and acceptance builds on the one before it and a powerful attachment occurs.
In Joshua's case attachment will be fostered in the same way, but differently. Our "womb" time has only been the exchange of photos and a flood of prayers. He does not know my voice. He will not recognize my smell. He has suffered great losses in his short life, which will likely make attaching deeply to our family feel risky to his little heart. He will be plopped into my arms just like my belly babies were, but he has a history outside of my arms of love.
In order to foster attachment, we will parent him differently than we did our other children at age 2. But not so differently than we treated our first four as newborns. He has the need and right to be held and cuddled a lot! He will be fed anytime he is hungry day or night. We do our best to be very structured yet very nurturing. Routine will be a priority. We will not go out much.
In fact we plan to spend most of his first month at home, alone. We think it will be very important for him to learn who we are, and for us to learn who he is. We want him to learn who belongs at his house, so he will be able to identify who does not. We want him to start attaching to us in a deeper way than he attaches to the nice lady at the grocery store. We want him to feel safe - thus the routine, and nurturing structure being a huge priority.
From my comfortable position as an "arm chair psychologist" I suspect that Gebeyehu is very good at making initial attachments with people. I have received many updates about his sweet, friendly personality. He is begging to be held and gives kisses freely. It appears that he has figured out that a great way to get attention is to be adorable. That is wonderful, but we want to help him learn to attach deeply. We want him to know we are truly safe. We are here forever. We will love him when he is charming and when he is tantruming. We will begin that deep attachment by making his world small.
I also plan to keep our world small so that I will be paying attention! Joshua Gebeyehu will enter our world not having a clue what the rules are. He will not know how our household works or what we expect. In order to help him learn, I need to be able to focus. I focus best when my world is small. The more consistent I am, the easier it will be for him to trust and learn.
Please be prepared for our time of nesting. Do not be worried or insulted when we choose not to go out much or invite you over. Our absolute top priority for this summer is parenting. We plan to pour as much energy as possible into our children. We plan to have a super time getting to know each other. We plan to have sweet days, tough days, funny days, lonely days, loving days. We plan to discover how we all fit together as a family of 7.
10 days until our plane takes off!
**This explanation of attachment is extremely simplified. Please realize that it is HUGELY important. If you would like to know more, check out my book list. I would be willing to loan you any of my resources.
