As a grown-up, my birthday is sometimes a struggle. Not because I hate aging. I really do not mind that one bit. My birthday is a struggle because I long to be a child with no responsibilities again. I long for a day to do whatever I want. A day to think only about myself - but I am called to serve my children and to do my job. Taking a day off from either one this time of year just isn't a possibility... and that is where the inner struggle begins.
I joked with Chad all last week that what I wanted for my birthday was a long shower by myself. I had to giggle this morning as Joshua cruised in and out of the bathroom as I showered wanting to "tell you something" or "show you something." For a moment I was irritated, but then I remembered that only last year I was rushing to complete dossier paperwork on my birthday so I could get it to FedEx bright and early the next morning. Wanting so badly to have everything in place so that the little boy that God had so clearly placed on my heart did not have to wait because of any delays I could prevent. Oh how quickly I take things for granted.
That was my theme for the day, fluctuating between grumbling about having to be responsible and then being grateful for how good I have things. I did have to work today, but I am able to work from HOME and it was only a few hours. I did spend A LOT of time listening to and sorting out arguments between my children, but I am so thankful I have each and every personality in our household. I did not get a shower by myself, but I have the extreme joy to be the one to listen to Joshua's stories and tuck him in each night.
I did have a wonderful visit with 2 different girlfriends today. I did get to go out for dinner at my favorite restaurant tonight. I did receive many thoughtful gifts. I did get to listen to my kids sing Happy Birthday to me and eat the yummy cake that Krissy baked me.
And this is a special birthday to me. I am 36 today. The first birthday that I celebrated with Chad was my 18th - so as of today I have spent exactly half of my birthdays with my best friend.
O God, I have tasted thy goodness and it has both satisfied
me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious
of my need for further grace.I am ashamed for my lack of
desire. O God, the Triune God, I want more of thee; I long
to be filled with longing; I thirst to be more thirsty still.
Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee
indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to
my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."
Then give me the grace to rise and follow Thee up from this
misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
I read this prayer this week in "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. (good book - my second favorite "spiritual" read this year) I keep coming back to it. It speaks to my heart. I get tired of being silly and taking my many blessings for granted. I get frustrated with myself for my lack of desire to serve Him, and the desire to serve me instead. I wonder sometimes when I will ever remember that "it is not about me!"
I do not want to love by my power, strength, and will - but by HIS. I am better at this now than I was 18 years ago, better even than I was one year ago. So lest you think I am too hard on myself, I am not. I just long to gracefully rise up and follow HIM with total consistence because the misty lowland where I linger all too often is NOTHING compared to where he leads.
