The last week has been filled with hard conversations.
I have always been very honest and open when answering our kids' questions no matter the topic. I will never forget the moment 5 year old Krissy asked me, "Mom what does f**** mean?" Chad literally burried his head in his hands and tried to block out the conversation that followed as he knew I would answer her question.
In most situations I believe it is best to wait for kids to ask and then answer their questions as simply as possible. If they ask to know more, I always tell. But if they are satisfied with simple, I wait to add details until they demand it.
However this technique does not always work. Sometimes kids never ask - or at least never ask their parents - the tough or embarrassing questions. I know our oldest son would have been VERY happy if his father had never brought up "the birds and the bees." Jamison has no desire to talk about that stuff, but that does not mean he should not hear about it from us. We know he is aware of it!
Well, I really struggled with how or if I should start conversations with Joshua about his Ethiopian family. Although we have talked a lot about Ethiopia and the care center, his Ethiopian family had never come up (outside of our very beautiful encounter at Hobby Lobby.) I do not think he has any clear memories of his life before the care center. I was unsure if starting conversations about his Ethiopian mommy would be confusing, yet I did not want him to someday feel like we had disregarded his Ethiopian family either.
As Joshua has begun to love me with the deep, uninhibited love of a son he has had a need to feel my skin. Many times when he is tired or stressed he will slip his hand into the neckline of my shirt to feel the skin on my collar bone. (My kids HATE this. The tell me to make him stop, that it looks so sick. But yet Joshua wanting to feel close to me is good.)
As we have grown closer and closer he has asked or gestured that he would like to try nursing. (I know too much information. Feel free to skip this post!) He could not understand why mommy does not have baby milk. It was so interesting to me that he would know about and remember that mommy's nurse their babies. He had not been around mothers and babies in nearly a year, but still he knew that mommy's should have milk for their babies. (It is not uncommon for children in Ethiopia to be nursed for a long time - I have heard up to 7 years. Before you give a big American gasp, realize that there is very little food in Ethiopia. I know that if the most nutritious food I had to offer my children was breast milk, I would not withhold it no matter their age.)
Last week, as we were having the "mommy doesn't have any baby milk" discussion for the thousandth time, I told my son that when he was a tiny baby he had a different mommy in Ethiopia. Then I held my breath, wondering how he would react. His reaction was one of relief! He pointed to me and said, "Thissie mommy no Ethiopia mommy?" I told him that I was not. I explained that when he was a tiny baby in Ethiopia he had a different mommy and she held him and rocked him and gave him baby milk. He giggled with joy and relief.
In retrospect my fears seem so dumb. Even IF the idea that he had a different mommy when he was a tiny baby was one he would not have understood fully, it was the truth. His truth. His story. He felt safer with me as I shared his truth with him. Afterall if I was always his mommy where was I before May 29, 2010? Why did I leave him with nannies? How can I claim I will always take care of him, if I left him all alone once?
So the conversation was positive, yet exhausting as he needs it repeated constantly. And the central part of the conversation is all about boobs. My teenagers can barely stand it. Several times a day he is asking if his Ethiopia mommy gave him baby milk. I always respond, "yes. and she held you and she loved you." He responds with a grin and says, "Yes Ethiopia mommy Joshua milk boob." (You can laugh, you are not a 14 year old girl. Or a 13 year old boy. Krissy and Jay are not impressed. They just wants me to make him stop, but he has a right to process his story.)
Another tough conversation came yesterday in the car. Joshua had gotten into a little trouble while shopping at Walmart. He did not want to sit in the cart and for his safety was reprimanded. He tried to be charming and schmooze his way out of having to sit. When I insisted he sit down explaining that we would leave without our purchases which included a new shirt he had chosen unless he sat down, he sat. When he sat he used his second favorite coping mechanism. He closed his eyes, sucked on his thumb, and thus "blocked me out."
When we got into the car I told him I was proud of him for making the choice to sit. I said that I noticed that he chose to close his eyes and shut mommy out and it is OK to do that, but mommy will never go away. Mommy or Daddy will always take care of him and love him. He told me, "NO! Mommy no will stay. Mommy will throw you Joshua in the garbage." OH seriously hurt my heart... seriously hurt my heart - yet I am also glad for the chance to respond. I told him that I would never do that. Our family will always take care of him. If I can not take care of him then daddy will, but he will always be cared for by our family. I could see his body relax as we spoke.
THEN... at naptime he asks, "Santa get you Joshua. Santa take you Joshua." (UGH!!!) I told him that Santa is PRETEND!!! so he could not take him, but that even if he were real mommy and daddy will never let anyone take him away from us. We will always protect him and keep him as safe as we can. I got a big grin and a big hug. The next idea out of his little mouth was, "Daddy shoot Santa! Santa all gone! Joshua eat Santa! Yummy! Santa all gone!" (Do you laugh or sigh at that point?!) I opted to explain very briefly that daddy will protect you Joshua, but we can never shoot people.
Between all these hard conversations, all the confusing talk about Christmas, and the fact that Joshua was relinquished one year ago (and anniversaries of traumatic events are proven to be difficult even for children too young to cognitively understand the anniversary concept) it has been a very emotional week. Joshua has been very needy. He has reverted to needing me to hold him much of the day. Last night after I insisted he wash out his conditioner before getting out of the bath - something that is never a battle - he cried for 45 minutes. He cried with the same tone of grief and loss we heard when he first came home. He wanted to be held, but refused to allow himself the comfort of sucking his thumb. Instead he chewed on his fingers. Eventually he quieted in my arms, had a snack, and went to bed as usual.
So the question is are we continuing to move forward, or not?
Although I wish we could push fast forward sometimes because the pain of the moment stinks, I believe the pain also binds us together and helps us heal. I hate the pain that my son has faced and continues to deal with. I wish it did not exist. Yet I have known about it from the very beginning. The pain in his past is what brought him to me. I am committed to helping him process his past. I am honored that he trusts me to hold him while he cries. I am honored that he asks me tough questions. I believe that he will heal, that he will be stronger because of the past NOT broken by it. But that will not happen by his strength, or by my strength, but by His.
God has brought Joshua Gebeyehu here. He has plans to prosper Joshua NOT to harm him. Plans to give him hope and a future.
I look forward to seeing that future!
