I really love to read. Nonfiction is my favorite, but I also LOVE child development, child psychology, and parenting books. I recently ordered, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child subtitle From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years by Patty Cogen. I am loving it! It is truly speaking to both my heart and my little boy's.
It is a super combination between psychological and medical research proving that what is presented is true and real life examples of what to do in many situations. It follows 5 families with 5 different children adopted from different places at different ages with different personalities and coping strategies. I appreciate the diversity, while having continuity in their progress.
Some of what I am reading I have felt, but have not had the scientific data or correct vocabulary to properly describe. As I read the scientific "proofs" I feel validated - liked "yes! I knew that!" and "I was right!"
One example is the concept of a "family age." A family age is the amount of time your child has been in your family. Joshua Gebeyehu has been a part of our family for 6 months. In many ways he is 6 mo. old. In many other ways he is nearly 3 years old. In other ways he is somewhere in between. BUT recognizing his family age, we understand many of his behaviors and encourage them like we would a child who is chronologically that age.
For example, last week I went to Krissy's choir concert. It started at 7:30 and Joshua goes to bed at 8:00 so we decided that Chad would stay home and get him to bed... for the first time. It did not go well. Even though we had explained it in an "age appropriate" way that Joshua understood, when it came time for light outs Joshua became his family age of 6 mo. and totally panicked. I walked into the house at 8:45 and heard a very sad, scared boy screaming for MOMMY! Then his chronological age shone through as he calmed quite quickly and told me all about his evening with daddy as I rocked him. Without understanding family age, we could think he was being very controlling and naughty. In reality, he is in some ways a 6 mo old stuck in a 3 yr old body. His stress was very real. He is just as much a momma's baby as most any 6 mo. old and we need to embrace than NOT punish it. (Family age usually catches up to chronological age within 1 to 2 years of adoption. So it is a temporary disconnect especially if we nurture it.)
Another term that excited me is "implicit memory." Implicit memory is what I have been calling sensory memory. Joshua does not seem to have "real" memories of his birth family. He can not describe his time with them. He can tell me very little verbally about his life in Ethiopia. However, we see his implicit memory ALL. THE. TIME! (There is a lot of fascinating research that shows how early a child's implicit memory forms. I love it when scientists prove what momma's know.)
One example occurred several weeks ago when Chad was goofing around with Jamison and "spanked him." They were giggling and wrestling and having a good time, but when Joshua heard the spank, he froze. Then he said, "NO! Daddy!" with panic in his voice. I did not catch on to the depth of his distress and thinking it would be reassuring, I demonstrated on his rear that the spank was just a silly prank. He became a limp noodle. He was near tears and said, "Mommy no hit you Joshua." I may be slow sometimes, but I got it then... there is some memory buried somewhere and he was scared. I picked him up, told him I was sorry, that I woulds never hurt him, that I loved him, etc... He did cuddle in, but it took 45 min. before he was his smiley, goofy self. Now, I do not know what his memory is. He could have been abused, he could have watched abuse, he could have heard abuse - but irregardless I recognize that spanking is not silly of playful to him. I honor his reaction and respect it.
One thing that the author recommends, that I am working on is putting together your child's story. She recommends speculating about what your child's past was like based on what you know FOR SURE and what you suspect based on research combined with reactions you see in your child. When a child is adopted internationally there are many unknowns. The author suggests that we as parents should help fill in the story, thus helping our kids to have a past.
I struggle with this a bit. I totally appreciate giving Joshua a picture of what his life as an infant was most likely like in Ethiopia. But I am hesitant to make it sound absolute. I also hesitate to have his past be a series of, you were probably... I have not fully thought through all this - but I have forced myself to really walk through his first 2.5 years. I suspect he has been "home" in 7 different locations, with many more than 7 different care givers. I am certain of 5 different homes and many more than 5 different care givers. That knowledge alone makes my heart so much more patient for his need to understand what a mommy and daddy are all about, for the time it has taken to let his guard down, for his need to be a 6 mo old at times.
I will be posting more about this resource as I have time, but for now if you are in the process of adopting or have a child that joined your family through adoption - order this book. I really think it is a must have because it is so specific yet simplistic.
My other favorite resources are listed on the left hand side of my blog. Honestly some are better than others. If you want to know more or borrow any of them, just ask.
